Saturday, September 26, 2015

Element Lad: Hot or Not?

A group of candid women with no real Legion knowledge tell us if each Legionnaire is hot or not, and what elements are needed to keep that hotness/notness going across several continuities.
Participants
Our honorary Legion members are...
Art Girl - Loves pink, almost irrationally. We'll see how this works out.
DJ Nath - Available for weddings. Co-star of Mind Linked, on You-Tube, with her sister Lip-Bomb.
Havana Nights - All packed for a camping trip. You know how these girls are by now.
Science Girl - And the science in question is Biochemistry. We'll see how this works out.
Shotgun - BLAM! Damn, is she just practicing, or did she just take down another Legionnaire?
Moderator: Siskoid - His chief weapon is fear. Fear and the element of surprise. TWO chief weapons...

First impressions of Element Lad
Element Lad (AKA Jan Arrah of Trom) has the power to transmute one element into another. Everyone on his planet had this power, but were murdered by a super-criminal. He is the sole survivor. Though generally bright and upbeat, Jan was initially very shy, especially around girls, and his sensitivity made fans believe he was gay for many years. A devout pacifist, he dislikes fighting and tries to find a peaceful way to resolve things. Jan is also deeply spiritual, and since the Tromian religion is based around the idea that death is the transmutation to the next life, he can come off as heartless when talking about death.
Havana Nights: Awwwhhh. He sounds so sweet.
Shotgun: Aww no. The poor guy.
Art-Girl: Sounds like a really good guy.
DJ Nath: Man, sad back story.
Science Girl: Swoon.
DJ Nath: I guess if they have a positive perspective on death, it makes it a little less depressing.
Shotgun: Sorry guys, but I have to say it. His emblem looks like a frickin' penis.
Science Girl: Omg you're right.
Art-Girl: His story is sad, but I think it made him really humble. And yes, penis indeed.
Havana Nights: I see a side "L". I'm not pervy.
Science Girl: And what is a penis if not a side L.
Art-Girl: 8=D
Siskoid: It's an "E" in Interlac.
DJ Nath: (Ignoring Siskoid's mumbo-jumbo) Yes, it does kind of look like a penis, everyone had penises on the brain it seems.
Havana Nights: I like his butt. There I said it.
Shotgun: That pose though.
Havana Nights: The pose brings out the butt. Butts butts butts.
Art-Girl: I like BIG butts, and cannot lie!
DJ Nath: Yeah bubble butt.
Art-Girl: That hair, it feels like there a lot of gel in there. My finger would get stuck.
Shotgun: Definitely.
Art-Girl: On a windy March day, it would move a inch.
Havana Nights: Or it's just curly hair.
DJ Nath: His hair is basically a helmet. That is not my favourite.
Science Girl: Element Lad more like Helmet Lad.
Shotgun: Sad that he's blond. It would look better brown.
Havana Nights: The hair I'm not crazy about. Helmety, too round, too blond… And his face is very alienesque, I find.
Shotgun: His hair look more awesome in the lower left-hand corner.
DJ Nath: I like his outfit, it doesn't seem dated and doesn't look too weird also.
Shotgun: You have to be confident to wear pink.
Art-Girl: I like that. A real man can wear pink and I love that.
Havana Nights: The outfit is cool, yeah.
Shotgun: I look at his outfit and I can't help but think those are freaking boots. Over-the-knee-neon-pink-high-heels-boots.
DJ Nath: Cheekbones for DAYZ.
Art-Girl: ABS for days. F "ab" ulous.
Havana Nights: I like his smile. Even when he's not smiling, he looks happy. He has happy eyes.
DJ Nath: He's almost Blue Steeling it in the picture in the corner.
Art-Girl: Too much of a duck face there.
Havana Nights: I feel like he's very deep.
DJ Nath: Yeah, he looks like he would write poetry about the environment.
Art-Girl: Well, after your entire people are gone, I think you mature very fast. And stay humble, and just accept it
DJ Nath: And play hackey sack.
Havana Nights: Haha, hackey sack. Well, he is a pacifist.
Art-Girl: He does land art!!!
Science Girl: I feel like he's the kind of guy that never makes a move and then complains that he got friend zoned.
Art-Girl: Yes! He respects women.
Science Girl: "Girls only like jerks!"
Havana Nights: Unless they're Sun Boy.
DJ Nath: F--- Sun Boy.
Science Girl: Haha.
Art-Girl: Eye roll!
Science Girl: *vomits*
DJ Nath: His power is cool, but I'm not sure I can really picture it.
Art-Girl: I would use his power for every personal reason I am sure.
Havana Nights: Now, on the subject of camping, I feel I'd be trying to set up the tent, but he'd be off like getting amazed at the beauty of nature and squirrels or something.
Art-Girl: Hahaha camping!
Shotgun: But he would be so pumped about camping.
Havana Nights: He'd love the nature.
Science Girl: I feel like this guy would be a Redditor.
Art-Girl: He would be the person that looks majestic and not tired after a 5-hour hike.
DJ Nath: Yeah and that's sweet.
Shotgun: I mean look at these legs... they are made for hiking.
Art-Girl: And check those obliques too.
Havana Nights: He must make the most glorious marshmallows.
Art-Girl: He would whistle like a bird and they would just come sing with him. He's Snow White!
DJ Nath: He does kind of look like a Prince Charming in an early Disney.

Element Lad's many looks
Havana Nights: He keeps changing the elements of his costume ;-).
Siskoid: 1960s original -
Siskoid: (bonus romantic situation + pun; Light Lass is totally trolling him by the way)
DJ Nath: Hair is better, outfit is worse.
Art-Girl: I like that.... my favorite color.
Science Girl: Way better hair.
DJ Nath: And doesn't look like a penis.
Havana Nights: He looks like the pink Power Ranger.
Art-Girl: Kimberly? Was that her name? But I agree.
DJ Nath: A+ pun. Great self-referential joke.
Science Girl: C- pun.
DJ Nath: You're harsh, man. Haha. I would laugh at the pun.
Science Girl: Slight giggle at best.
Shotgun: Oof, he looks awkward. Too much pink for me. Actually, scratch that. The pink isn't the problem, it's the mix with white. At least with the other outfit, there was black, it could pass for badass.
DJ Nath: Yeah, feels weird as a combo.
Art-Girl: I like the colors, but I'm biased because they're my favorites, though the costume is a bit much.
DJ Nath: I really hate the Comic Sans "E".
Havana Nights: With the blond hair, he just looks too innocent.
Siskoid: He was a teen there. Now, on to the 1970 -
Art-Girl: Now a young adult. The arrow is pointing in the wrong direction.
Havana Nights: Holy moley!
Shotgun: That hair flow.
Science Girl: Oh God, that 90's hair.
Shotgun: And that penis arrow.
DJ Nath: Love the hair, so Dimitri in Anastasia. Swoons.
Art-Girl: Mhmmmmmmmmmmm.
Havana Nights: Dat hair flow!
Shotgun: Oh God.
Art-Girl: Oh yes. But the outfit, I hate it from top to bottom.
DJ Nath: The arrow is really silly; I feel like he should make my eyes are up here jokes all the time.
Havana Nights: I like the buttons on the sleeves. Its a nice ELEMENT of surprise.
DJ Nath: Haha.
Science Girl: Boo.
Shotgun: What ARE those little balls on his legs and arms? 90s fashions tacks? Oh my youth! Pants with tacks!
Siskoid: Avant-garde for the 70s is what you're telling me?
DJ Nath: Just lots of buttons, looks a bit difficult to put on.
Art-Girl: That's why he's always late to fights. Now if the green continued on his pants, I wouldn't mind it so much.
DJ Nath: I agree the green shorts are a bit weird.
Siskoid: Then in the 80s, he had the classic pink/black (above), and in the actual 90s, as an adult -
Science Girl: Wut.
Havana Nights: He became a hipster?
DJ Nath: What is this?
Art-Girl: The pose is that of a man living in the wild.
Science Girl: So many things.
DJ Nath: I don't believe you, Siskoid. This isn't him.
Shotgun: A frickin' hermit.
Siskoid: He spent years walking his home planet and making graves for his people.
Shotgun: Are you serious.
DJ Nath: Aww well that's sad now.
Art-Girl: Oh God, Siskoid, that's so sad.
Shotgun: That's some hardcore depressing shit. No wonder he has a grave face. His hair, ugh.
Science Girl: The hair is fine.
Havana Nights: I hate the buzz cut.
Science Girl: It's not good, but it's fine.
Art-Girl: It's acceptable at best.
Havana Nights: It's the haircut you have when you don't have good hair.
DJ Nath: I like the walking stick. That's a cool accessory.
Art-Girl: Makes me think of Moses.
Science Girl: Maybe he just wanted to live his dream of becoming a Mortal Kombat character.
Shotgun: Hahaha.
Art-Girl: Hahaha yes! I would play him every time.
DJ Nath: I think the white gloves are the weirdest part of this outfit.
Shotgun: White gloves AND boots.
Art-Girl: For me, it's the sheet on his crotch. It's just pointless and weird.
Shotgun: It's called a tunic.
Siskoid: 1990s Reboot - This version eventually discovered he could turn HIMSELF into other elements.
Shotgun: What.
Art-Girl: Ohhhh cool.
Havana Nights: Hrmm.
Art-Girl: Looks painful as hell.
DJ Nath: AAAAAAHHHHHHHH! (That's what he's doing.)
Havana Nights: Siskoid, are you trolling us?
Science Girl: Is this part of some ballet?
Siskoid: It's the best shot of the costume I could find.
DJ Nath: Looks like he's regenerating.
Shotgun: That's a great drawing though. Really like it. Much less muscled. Speaks to me a lot more.
Science Girl: The hair is decent here.
DJ Nath: I like the spiky anime hair.
Shotgun: Yeah his hair looks fabulous. He is so becoming a Super Saiyan.
DJ Nath: Outfit is really simple and classy, big fan. Also, who doesn't want glowing green hands?
Art-Girl: Black and white, really nice. The background is pretty cool too.
Science Girl: After getting over the initial shock, I'm kinda liking this.
Art-Girl: Nice longish hair... I'd run my fingers through them, I like it.
Shotgun: Look really fun to play with, yes. Turtleneck though.
Art-Girl: That's okay. Leaving something for the imagination.
DJ Nath: This is one of my if not my favorite of his looks. I'm cool with it. Ski lodge Element Lad.
(General laughter)
Havana Nights: Ski lodge is the new camping.
Art-Girl: He makes really good Belgian chocolates.
Shotgun: Well, its the fall, which is really only pre-winter over here, so Ski Lodge is the new camping.
Science Girl: I'd drink wine next to a fireplace with this guy.
Shotgun: I am 100% with Science Girl.
DJ Nath: Yeah, totally.
Siskoid: 2000s Threeboot - His personality was changed to that of a hipsterish, metaphysical guy who is all about change, change, change, and let's not dwell on the past. His powers come with a 60 second limit, so he can't just make gold and finance the Legion or whatever. His planet is "lost" but not dead, and he thinks most other cultures are way more conservative than his (he tells people he'd rather be naked, etc.).
Science Girl: GOATEE. NO. NO. NO.
Havana Nights: No.
Art-Girl: No.
Science Girl: NOPE.
Havana Nights: DA HELL.
Siskoid: I think it's more of a soul patch.
Science Girl: Still bad.
Art-Girl: The soul patch. The everything.
DJ Nath: Goatee or go home?
Science Girl: B+
DJ Nath: Thanks. His hair is ok, but not great.
Shotgun: This is so weird.
Art-Girl: The outfit. He's not Iron Man!!!
Havana Nights: What's with the cape? Is he a wizard?
Shotgun: Is that a Bizarro Doctor Strange or something?
Art-Girl: He can't pull off the cape.
Science Girl: The cape feels very villain-ish.
Art-Girl: He's no Robespierre with that cape!!!
DJ Nath: If he'd rather be naked, not sure he cares much about his outfit. I think it's the high collar that makes him look evil.
Art-Girl: And the super high-waisted tights. It's just so awkward.
Shotgun: The chick behind him seems like she's wearing a mix of his past outfits and I dig her a lot more than I do him.
Art-Girl: But the goatee. Still can't get over it.
Shotgun: Let's forget about the goatee.

His relationship with Shvaughn Erin
Jan's girlfriend through much of his career was Shvaughn Erin, a fiery Science Police officer of Irish descent. She made the first move, but he committed deeply to her.
Art-Girl: IRISH!
Science Girl: Oohhh, she's hot.
Havana Nights: Shvaughnn?!? How many letters in that name are useless?
DJ Nath: She's awesome.
Science Girl: That hair.
Art-Girl: Hair envy.
DJ Nath: Her hair is awesome!
Havana Nights: She has kickass hair.
Shotgun: Aww that's cute.
Siskoid: Tight butt. It's a constant.
Art-Girl: Butt for days. Super hair envy.
Shotgun: SHE'S SO SLIM! EAT GIRL! FFS, THIS IS NOT HEALTHY. EAT THEM FLOWERS!
Art-Girl: Get a bucket of fries.
Science Girl: Stop body-shaming her.
Art-Girl: Hahaha!
Havana Nights: I like that she made the first move.
DJ Nath: Yeah, it said he was nervous around girls, so awesome that she took charge. That's cool.
Art-Girl: I like that he wasn't intimidated by that.
Siskoid: But wait. It was eventually revealed that Shvaughn was transgendered, had been born Sean Erin, and had been taking sex-change drugs for many years. Element Lad wasn't aware of this until the medication supply went dry, but it didn't make any difference to him. Now physically a man, it was Officer Erin who chose not to pursue the relationship, but by then, they hadn't seen each other in years, Jan having returned to Trom on a spiritual quest.
Art-Girl: ................
Havana Nights: Ohhhhhhh…
Shotgun: Woah.
Art-Girl: God.
Science Girl: Oooohhhhh...
Havana Nights: That's just a tough pickle.
Shotgun: Poor guy didn't go through enough without his family being dead.
DJ Nath: Wow.
Siskoid: Sean Erin -
Shotgun: Aww no.
Art-Girl: Man. *Broken heart*. At a loss for words.
Science Girl: *tears*
DJ Nath: Well, that's heartbreaking.
Art-Girl: I want to hug them both. Lets all hug them.
Shotgun: Their story really is complicated.
DJ Nath: I'm just sad now.
Shotgun: Poor Element Lad.
Havana Nights: No wonder he went through so many identity crises.
Siskoid: Well, that's more a question of continuity being rebooted.
Science Girl: Now I feel bad for making fun of him.
Havana Nights: Ahhh, Shchavaunong is so hot.
Siskoid: Ginger fever, Havana?
Havana Nights: It's more the haircut and the outfit.
Siskoid: Froufrou fever, Havana?
Shotgun: The outfit is basically Edgeworth from Ace Attorney.
Art-Girl: The outfit is very Phantom of the Opera.

The Verdict
Science Girl: Hydrogen Oxygen Tellurium. HOTe.
Art-Girl: Hahaha!
Science Girl: I tried to make it HOT. Did not work.
DJ Nath: I think hot. He's hot in most of the drawings and he seems like a genuinely cool guy. I would date him.
Havana Nights: I think he's hot. Though not typically my type physically, I'm drawn to his deeper, sweeter side. I feel for him, and want to hug him. With my boobs. To make him feel better.
DJ Nath: He seems a little too intense for me, maybe difficult in the long run, but would definitely give it a try.
Shotgun: He's good looking in most of the drawings and the description talks to me. I would just be afraid of getting into it out of pity because, geez, the guy was bad lucky in his life and he needs the support.
Art-Girl: Hot, he seems humble and very mature and just like a honest guy. I want to get to know him better feel his he guy I could have deep conversation with and that I could connect with. I don't know if it would work in the long run, but I feel we could develop a long friendship.
Shotgun: But my problem is that I'm not the type of person to take the first step, and he's shy around girls.
DJ Nath: I am, so that's cool. Haha.
Shotgun: Don't think it would ever happen.
DJ Nath: I could make a move I think, not the younger me but the current me.
Shotgun: Funny, cuz I'm the opposite. Younger me would, but not current me.
Science Girl: He's a nice, shy guy, not usually my type, but he deserves a nice girl.
Havana Nights: So not you? LOLZ!
Science Girl: Yup.
DJ Nath: Hahaha.
Siskoid: We were all thinking it.
Science Girl: I agree. I'm not that girl. And I already got married off in my first Hot or Not anyway.
DJ Nath: Off the market!
Science Girl: And me and Mon-El are very happy.
Art-Girl: How's the married life?
Science Girl: Good.
Siskoid: No marriages on Trom anyway... they share prayers instead.
Havana Nights: No marriages 'cause there aren't two people left, Siskoid?
Siskoid: YOU KNOW VERY WELL THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT!
Shotgun: Aaaawww, Havana, that's just so sad.
Science Girl: Haha.
Havana Nights: I couldn't help myself.
DJ Nath: Can I still get a dress?
Siskoid: Sure, he can make it out of thin air.
DJ Nath: Awh man, I would love custom stuff.
Art-Girl: I feel like this guy would be the person I'd want to date, but I know it wouldn't work, so we just stay good friends and flirt all the time.
Havana Nights: I'd share prayers. I'm down for that shit.
DJ Nath: Hahaha, that should be your Twitter bio.
Shotgun: And let's be honest, his power is pretty cool and useful.
Art-Girl: I would abuse it all the time.
Science Girl: It would make my job as a professional science person so easy.
Havana Nights: Now let's make puns with the word "element"!
Siskoid: ...I think you've done enough.

Next: Someone who's going to be a little hard to talk about.

4 comments:

  1. This remains my favorite segment of the blog.

    Sheer awesomeness.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Me too.

      It's a shame we'll run out of Legionnaires soon.

      Delete
  2. I've always been in denial about Element Lad's homosexual shenanigans !

    With that aside he was always one of the best concept characters from his origin and genocide of his home planet Trom to his ability to analysis and change one element into another .

    I was surprised that he wasn't included in the first or second set of action figures by DC Direct or Mattel !

    ReplyDelete