Saturday, December 5, 2015

Wildfire: Hot or Not?

Do you need a body to be hot? Our group of candid women with no real Legion knowledge make a determination.
Our honorary Legion members are...
Art-Girl - Has worn Halloween costumes that were stronger containment suits than Wildfire's.
DJ Nath - Had Great Balls of Fire running in her head the whole time. Co-star of Mind Linked, on You-Tube, with her sister Lip-Bomb.
Havana Nights - Our sole divorcée; she understands true drama.
Lip-Bomb - Has both Irish and Native blood, coincidentally.
Science Girl - Not wild about anti-matter.
Shotgun - Doing the chat from a hotel room somewhere. It'll become relevant.
Moderator: Siskoid - Identifies strongly with Wildfire, so dreading this.
First impressions of Wildfire
Wildfire (AKA Drake Burroughs of Earth) became an energy being when he was caught in an anti-matter blast. Getting siphoned into a containment suit saved his life, but gave him a fleshless existence. Being made of energy gives him the power to fly and fire powerful blasts of "anti-energy". If his suit ruptures, his energy self is released to seek out a back-up suit. Wildfire has an abrasive, wise-cracking, sarcastic personality, behind which he hides a sensitive and lonely soul. He hates his condition, but hates others' sympathy even more. Regardless of his self-loathing, he is as strong leader, and Legion Academy's lead recruiter, acting as many students' mentor and friend.
Havana Nights: He... he has no face.
Science Girl: Bitter, self-loathing and sarcastic? My kind of guy.
Havana Nights: No cheekbones, no eyebrows, no hair...
Art-Girl: His power sounds complicated.
DJ Nath: Man, that's sad.
Shotgun: Read his name... and now have Hotline Bling playing in my head. Dammit.
Art-Girl: Wise-cracking, sarcastic personality, but at the same time, sensitive. I like this.
Havana Nights: Sounds like all my friends.
DJ Nath: How do you date a dude that can't really be physically there without a suit? That's complicated.
Science Girl: How 'bout that orange suit, Art-Girl?
Art-Girl: Hahahaha. *eye twitch*
DJ Nath: His suit is very fire-appropriate so I appreciate that.
Havana Nights: I don't know what to say, man... I don't even know where to start.
DJ Nath: The place where his face should be looks like a giant eye.
Art-Girl: But he doesn't have eyes, he's just like energy stuff!!! How can he see what he's doing?
Lip-Bomb: So are the muscles actually part of the suit?
Siskoid: Yep.
Shotgun: So he could look like anything, really. If his were in the shape of a rabbit... well, he would be a rabbit.
DJ Nath: So he was like, I'm a floaty being, but gotta have those pecs.
Lip-Bomb: I hope there was a fashion designer somewhere going "more pecs! I must have more pecs!"
Shotgun: I don't know why I picked a rabbit, it's weird.
Siskoid: The suit was pre-existent, and he just filled it after his accident.
Lip-Bomb: So someone made a muscly suit before this happened?
Havana Nights: Can he even talk? How does that work?
Siskoid: Yes, he can talk. Works because comics.
Art-Girl: No piercing blue eyes!!!
Science Girl: No hair!!!
DJ Nath: How do you hug him?
Science Girl: Urgh.
Art-Girl: The boots on the suit are horrid.
Science Girl: I agree. And those shoulder pads.
DJ Nath: Yeah, way to much overhang on the boots, it's silly.
Lip-Bomb: The boots look like folded napkins.
Art-Girl: It's like a sad origami napkin.
Havana Nights: Why is the crotch black? Is that shadow?
Lip-Bomb: Because the crotch is throwing shade.
DJ Nath: Sick burn. Or something. There must be countless fire jokes we could make here.
Science Girl: Probably. Also, Drake jokes.
Shotgun: I feel too badly for the guy to actually make jokes. And he would hate me for that.
Lip-Bomb: Well, he's already sarcastic and self-loathing. He's probably saying the stuff himself. I'd go into it, but I'd get fired.
Havana Nights: Well, he doesn't like sympathy. And has a sarcastic sense of humor. He might be into the fire jokes.
Art-Girl: I still can't get my head around it.
DJ Nath: Haha. I feel like he would stand on roofs and be, like, get it?
Havana Nights: Hahaha.
Art-Girl: "The roof is on fire" just like Nath.
DJ Nath: He kind of looks like Iron Man in the surprint.
Lip-Bomb: I like the broach thing.
DJ Nath: The Wildfire emblem kind of looks like the Hot Wheels logo.
Havana Nights: I like the fact that he's a leader and a recruiter.
Shotgun: I'm so ambivalent right now... Like, I feel bad for the guy, really... But considering his bio, I know I shouldn't... but I mean come on... but ugh!!! but AAAAAGGGHHH!
Lip-Bomb: Well, I'm not a touchy feely person, so I guess that would work in our favor here.
Havana Nights: I'm just extra indifferent. I know I shouldn't be judging someone on looks anyway... But there's not even a baseline to judge.

On his other looks

At one point, with another Legionnaire's help, Wildfire was given a solid body, although this was a temporary measure. His body was so hot, he still couldn't have physical relationships.
Havana Nights: AAAAAHHHHHH!
Science Girl: It's like fabulous fire hair
Havana Nights: Jesus Cruise!
Art-Girl: Ahhhhhhhh the pain omg.
DJ Nath: Looks painful. He does not seem to be having a good time.
Lip-Bomb: I agree. If that's not his hair, I will be greatly disappointed. This version seems like he's screaming all the time.
Science Girl: You used to call me on my cellphaaaaaaahhhhh I'm on fireeeee!!!!
Art-Girl: Those are not the piercing blue eyes I wanted.
Shotgun: Fire Hair is indeed super fab but geez, hasn't this guy suffered enough?
DJ Nath: How close can you get to him like this? Clearly not that close.
Havana Nights: Not very close I'd imagine. And who would want to really.
Lip-Bomb: What happens, Science Girl? Tell us the gory science details.
Science Girl: You would burn. And it would hurt.
DJ Nath: I mean, if you had some marshmallows. I'm sorry, I felt instantly bad.
DJ Nath: Also, not the guy you bring during a fire ban.
Art-Girl: Like, you save on buying the logs.
Lip-Bomb: I keep registering the line on the suit as a vein.
DJ Nath: Yup, I agree.
Havana Nights: So when he flies, since he's burning, does he leave chem trails?
Siskoid: Today's containment suit:
Lip-Bomb: SHINY!
Art-Girl: Nice, polished.
DJ Nath: Fancy suit!
Science Girl: Ooh, I like it.
Art-Girl: Like, how do you go on a date, does he like put another suit over this suit!? And like, put a nice top hat if he's feeling fancy.
DJ Nath: Big fan of the glowy star.
Havana Nights: I like the new suit. It's totes fashion.
Lip-Bomb: The glowy star is GORGEOUS!
DJ Nath: Now he looks even more like Iron Man.
Shotgun: So it's like Drake was playing with Daft Punk? Man, now I wanna hear a version of Hotline Bling feat. Daft Punk.
DJ Nath: Space Daft Punk, which would be amazing.
Lip-Bomb: So is the glowyness of the star his non-body doing science?
Siskoid: Probably!
Science Girl: Scientist here - yes.
Havana Nights: Lip-Bomb tries to explain stuff.
Art-Girl: Science Girl tells the truth. In the name of science.
DJ Nath: This suit makes the vacant face part less weird. Definitely an improvement.
Lip-Bomb: Yeah, the first one is kind of Space Odyssey uncomfortable. In this one, I can see the sarcasm and snark.
Shotgun: Yeah, he just look like a badass biker. I could get used to this.
Art-Girl: He could have his own motorcycle!!! Hot!
Havana Nights: I still couldn't... I mean, he has to go to bed in that thing.
Art-Girl: Badass, wild.
Siskoid: I don't want to mention the story in a the darkest timeline where he needs a body and animates Sun Boy's decaying dead body, but I feel like it is relevant to your interests.
Art-Girl: ....................
Shotgun: HAHAHAH... GROSS!
Art-Girl: ........................................
Science Girl: Ew.
Lip-Bomb: Better without a body than in Sun Boy's body.
DJ Nath: Jesus.
Art-Girl: Oh my Lord.
Shotgun: Just as I was thinking we'd failed to laugh at Sun Boy today. Thanks for getting us back on track, Siskoid.
Art-Girl: .................... Nightmare fuel.
DJ Nath: Yikes.
Science Girl: Hawt.
Art-Girl: I'm not laughing. I am genuinely terrified!!!
Shotgun: The room next door must wonder what the hell's happening in here.
Lip-Bomb: Cripes, is he going to tells us a story like the Crypt Keeper?
Siskoid: I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry.
Lip-Bomb: It's the eyes... the eyes!
Art-Girl: The teeth. Or lack of teeth. The missing nose. The missing skin.
Siskoid: No lids, eh.
Science Girl: These eyes...
Shotgun: This carpet is really great... I can say that after rolling all over it.
Havana Nights: Jesus Siskoid.

On his relationship to Dawnstar

Wildfire's love, which had to remain platonic and unrequited because of his physical condition (or lack of physical condition), was Dawnstar of the planet Starhaven. The inhabitants are the descendants of North American Natives abducted and genetically engineered to have working wings. Dawnstar is also a mutant with the ability to track anyone and anything, even across the vastness of space, where she is able to fly without protection at light speeds. She prides herself on her professionalism, and is quick to point out flaws in others. Perhaps that is why she is drawn to Wildfire as another Legionnaire who isn't always approachable.
Science Girl: Cher?
Art-Girl: Ugly outfit.
Havana Nights: Pretty eyes and lips.
Art-Girl: Cheek bones!!!
DJ Nath: Yeah, A+ face.
Havana Nights: Not sure I like her pointing out others' faults. She'd have a field day with me.
DJ Nath: Yeah, I think it would be hard to be friends with her.
Shotgun: Cripes, the outfit. It's really vulgar and inappropriate. Stereotype much?
Havana Nights: Well they say fringe is in.
Art-Girl: Fringe is ugly and should never come back.
DJ Nath: Crotch fringe is weird.
Lip-Bomb: The outfit is pretty much stereotypical Native American, which is unfortunate.
Art-Girl: All that's missing is a headdress and that would be terrible.
Science Girl: "North American Natives abducted and genetically engineered" #Colonialism
Shotgun: Really too bad because she has a great face.
Art-Girl: It makes me mad and uncomfortable.
Shotgun: But she has wings though. SUPER JEALOUS HERE.
DJ Nath: Yes, GIANT wings.
Art-Girl: They are on point. Majestic as hell.
Shotgun: I would meet her in the street and not know where to look. So I'd end up just staring at her magnificent wings.
Havana Nights: Hahaha. My eyes are over here!
Lip-Bomb: I bet those wings are kind of in the way during normal day activities.
DJ Nath: I would knock stuff down all the time.
Lip-Bomb: I already accidentally open umbrellas at inopportune moments...
Shotgun: I already knock down stuff all the damn time, geez.
Art-Girl: My cats would try to hunt me. Or they would run off and hide.
Lip-Bomb: Dawnstar of the planet Starhaven is an amazing name though.
Havana Nights: I don't feel yellow is her color.
DJ Nath: I think purple would be better.
Art-Girl: Or a nice forest green.
Siskoid: Wildfire and Dawnstar have been hot and cold for years. She first had a crush on him, but was frustrated by his inability to be truly intimate with her. Being star-crossed lovers who could never really be together is what has caused them both the most pain, and defined their characters most.
Art-Girl: Aww.
DJ Nath: Man, what a bummer, that would be hard.
Science Girl: That's sad.
Havana Nights: It's like Flameo and Juliet.
Science Girl: LOL.
Lip-Bomb: Tragic.
Havana Nights: Shoot me, please.
Shotgun: LOL. Hahaha no.
Art-Girl: Hahahaha. Live with your choice, Havana.
Shotgun: Wait, what happened in that picture? Did he just blow up after confessing his love?
Art-Girl: He got so nervous he exploded.
Shotgun: Screaming DAMN!
Havana Nights: That's intense.
Lip-Bomb: DAMN will be my last word.
Siskoid: They sort of broke up--
Science Girl: And then he died.
DJ Nath: Wow, what a bummer.
Havana Nights: Lesson here, never say I love you.
Science Girl: Amen.
DJ Nath: Screws everything up.
Lip-Bomb: That's really taking a break-up hard.
Art-Girl: I'll drink to that.
DJ Nath: Maybe he blew it out of proportion.
Siskoid: BAM--I mean, BOOM.
Art-Girl: Hahahahaha. LOVE IT!
Shotgun: I could see this in a crappy comedy, where the running gag is just him blowing up at the end of every episode.
Havana Nights: Bahahaha.
Siskoid: When he had a body, she actually did endure the first degree burns, but he couldn't stand hurting her so he put a stop to it.
DJ Nath: Man, that would be the worst.
Shotgun: Damn, that's devotion.
Art-Girl: A sad situation.
Havana Nights: Holy crap.
DJ Nath: Holy sadness.
Havana Nights: She's badass.
Art-Girl: Being in love and not wanting to hurt the person, but you can't stop.
Lip-Bomb: Love hurts for real...
Art-Girl: He was ready to just be sad to protect her in a way.
Science Girl: It's hard out there for a fleshless fire dudes.
DJ Nath: Ain't that the truth.
Art-Girl: I can't imagine it being easy.

The Verdict
Science Girl: Hot.
Art-Girl: Kind of sad.
Havana Nights: I mean I feel for his situation. It makes me empathetic. But I don't feel attracted to him in any way. Firefly to his flame, I am not.
Shotgun: Our powers cannot work together... we'd try to get closer and then POW! I'd shoot him without even wanting to, and it would tear up his suit and he would just wander searching for a new one... It's not worth the effort.
DJ Nath: I'm gonna have to go Not because I would miss hugs and cuddling too much. I don't think it would work for the same reasons it didn't work with his girlfriend. But his personality sounds awesome and we could totally be self-loathing friends together.
Siskoid: I'm probably that friend, Nath. Felt like I was writing my autobiography there.
DJ Nath: Haha wooh friendship!
Havana Nights: Friendship high five!
Science Girl: Friendship power!
Shotgun: I mean... I like a man who keeps me warm, but there are limits. I was burned once (literally), it's more than enough.
Lip-Bomb: I like his personality, I think we'd be compatible. I enjoy the sarcasm and the snark. I'm not the most touchy feely person, but ultimately, I'm not sure I'm into getting 1st degree burns regularly. So hot I guess, but maybe bring some bandages. Like a lot of them.
Art-Girl: His personality sounds fun. A wise-cracking, sarcastic personality, but at the same time, sensitive. I want to self-loathe with him, we could go it over nachos! And that he's a leader is something that can really turn me on! But his power would make it complicated for dating, like holding hands, cuddling, the sex situation, nooooo!!! I would miss the cuddles and kisses, which are a very important part of relationships for me, but also I think it wouldn't work for the same reasons that it didn't in his past relationship.
Lip-Bomb: I like the leadership thing too. That's awesome.
Art-Girl: To my mind, if a leader doesn't take himself too seriously, like Wildfire, that makes him even hotter.

Next: He's a complicated man...


  1. These articles are one of the highlights of my week; keep up the good work and pass along my compliments.

    I wonder how long you're going to keep it going, though; do you have plans to go into alternate versions of the Legion? I don't know what your panel might find to say about Tellus, Quislet, or Gates, and it's probably not worth checking in on Visi-Lad, Echo, or Blood Claw, but I think future entries on Dream Boy, Gear, Superman-X, and Earth-Man would be well worth reading.

  2. Interesting as usual. When I think about Wildfire's facial features, Terry Shoemaker's Wildfire is what first appears in my mind..

  3. Matthew: Right now, I plan to get to the end of the Baxter era, aliens and all, and then I've been asked (by the girls) to present the Subs and perhaps other Legion rejects. Beyond that, we'll see, though I figure Kent Shakespeare deserves a shot as might others.

  4. Just make sure that when you do the Subs, you use more than just the Giffen-joke versions.

  5. There really aren't that many original male Legionairres in the post-baxter era, are there? (Excluding the Gap crew, that is.) Kent Shakespeare, Devlin, a pair of Khunds (Who, if you cover you might as well go back and grab Nemesis Kid, Kid Dynamo, and False Pretenses Lad and any other one-story-memebers), and Boring Asian Magic Dude. Reboot just adds Kid Quantum, Gates and Gear, no new characters for Threeboot, and Johns/Third Levitz only adds Earth-Man.

  6. When you run out of Legionnaires, will we see Hot or Not with Wanderers or Heroes of Lallor? I would like to see the panel's take on Evolvo Lad or Duplicate Boy.

  7. Jeff R: Also Kon-El and Magno from the reboot, Dream Boy from the threeboot, Kell-El from the cartoon, and Chemical Kid from the retroboot. And I can see why you'd want to skip the Five Year Gap, but it did feature some characters with longevity, like most of the Subs and some Academy students. Plus I'd like to see this panel take on the horror that was Atmos.

  8. Terrible look. Bizarre anatomy. Date rapist. I think we know the answer to the question.

  9. Wasn't even considering the cartoon. The others I'd mostly go with 'insufficiently original', a line I'd draw with Invisible Kid II on the good side and Karate Kid II on the bad one. (Actually, haven't read enough retroboot to make the decision for Chemical Kid.)

    I'd want to skip anyone who was never in active service in an actual published comic, but wouldn't mind seeing Subs and Reservists covered as such. (Honestly, I'd say Kent, Devlin, Gates, and Kid Quantum would be sufficient coverage.)

    I'd probably rather see LSV members before Wanderers or Lallorites...

  10. Siskoid: Oh, obviously, but they'd say it funny.

    Jeff: Well, anyway, they'll cover what they'll cover, but there is some fruitful material past LSHv3.

  11. Of course there is. This is coming from the guy in charge of the Who's Who feature.

  12. One of the best and original legionnaires !

    When he made his first appearance in Superboy #195 and they killed him off I couldn't believe that they had passed on this great character !

    Thank goodness DC came to it's senses in #201 and brought him back !