Saturday, May 14, 2016

Color Kid: Hot or Not?

Our group of candid women with no real Legion knowledge asked to check out the Substitute-Heroes. Roses are red, violets are blue. Or maybe it's the reverse, meet my friend Ulu.
Our honorary Legion members are...
Art-Girl - Pink.
DJ Nath - Purple.
Havana Nights - Green.
Lip-Bomb - Orange. With her sister Nath, she co-hosts the YouTube channel Mind Linked.
Science Girl - Red.
Shotgun - Blue.
Moderator: Siskoid - Yella'.
And note that now the girls are now doing a podcast with the same premise, only over in the Marvel Universe in oHOTmu or NOT? every few weeks.
First impressions on Color Kid
Color Kid (Ulu Vakk of Lupra) clumsily stumbled into a lab experiment with multi-dimensional light rays. It gave him the power to change anything's color and project harmless Technicolor beams. Judged not very useful by the Legion, he was rejected and joined the Legion of Substitute-Heroes instead. The power would come in handy from time to time (the color of Kryptonite affects its properties, for example), but not too often. When the Subs disbanded, he made his living performing light shows for musicians and putting colors in Fire Lad's award-winning glassware. Eager, energetic and artistic, he likes painting, music, movies and singing, but for some reason, his favorite Legionnaire is Sun Boy.
Art-Girl: So he's my soul mate?!
Science Girl: Sun Boy? Not.
Art-Girl: Crap. MY ONLY WEAKNESS!!!
DJ Nath: I love this guy but then Sun Boy, goddamn.
Art-Girl: Everything was going so well until f***face.
Shotgun: Well, he does need the sun's light for the colors to shine.
Havana Nights: His description sounds awesome, but the picture looks like an 80s kids show gone wrong.
Science Girl: He looks like a magician.
Shotgun: I don't know... I'm sorry, but not a fan of his facial features.
DJ Nath: He is basically the reincarnation of one of my favorite Magic School Bus episodes, I love it.
Havana Nights: He looks scary.
Lip-Bomb: Why can't we see his eyes... is there something wrong with his eyes?
Siskoid: His eyes have always been shaded like that.
Science Girl: His orbital bones are deep af.
Art-Girl: He looks two fangs away from the 1992 Dracula movie.
Shotgun: I love the puffy sleeves.
Havana Nights: The haircut is... questionable.
DJ Nath: I like the hair, fun dip in the middle? Why not?
Art-Girl: What I see doesn't match the personality and his interests!
Shotgun: He looks so happy.
Art-Girl: He looks so old.
Havana Nights: He does. And lifeless.
Shotgun: Especially for someone called Color Kid.
DJ Nath: I would have guessed that his outfit would have been more colorful.
Havana Nights: Like an Addams Family cast member who's been recast in a new show.
Shotgun: Let me guess... He must be a gay icon.
Art-Girl: Hahahaha.
Siskoid: Not that I know of, despite the rainbow shirt.
Science Girl: Rainbow more like rainBOO, amirite guys?
DJ Nath: Wow, that is surprising.
Havana Nights: I kind of want that shirt.
Lip-Bomb: He looks like he's running towards us to give us an aggressive hug.
DJ Nath: But real talk, he could repaint your house all the time.
Shotgun: MY HAIR!
Havana Nights: Hahaha.
Art-Girl: .................... shit just got real.
DJ Nath: I mean that's great for anyone with a fear of commitment.
Art-Girl: Purple hair, pink hair, blue, screw it, every color.
Science Girl: I don't agree with those shoulder pads.
Lip-Bomb: It shouldn't work, but somehow I don't hate it.
DJ Nath: He's like a goth clown.
Art-Girl: I find the sleeves silly... but I like them. And I don't know why, and it makes me confused.
Havana Nights: I like the combination of shoulder pads and poofy sleeves.
Shotgun: The thing is, I would find every part of the outfit silly on its own.
Art-Girl: But together, it kind of works?
Science Girl: It's super silly.
DJ Nath: I like him.
Havana Nights: Yeah, I wouldn't want to go to a fancy restaurant with him dressed like that.
DJ Nath: You could have sweet multicolored snow parties.
Havana Nights: The potential for entertainment is immense.
Art-Girl: And the white stripe I like, we had the problem before on the podcast (that everyone should listen to), about Angel, the stripe stopped at the crotch and was just awkward. Here it works well because the white continues.
DJ Nath: He also looks like he would be crazy tall.
Lip-Bomb: Does he have a nasally voice? I'm picturing him with a nasally voice.
Art-Girl: I think he would sound like Gilles from Buffy, maybe because I like Gilles and his voice, but I enjoy the thought of him sounding like that.
Shotgun: Oof no... not at all the voice I'd give him.
Siskoid: You can't really hear comics.
Science Girl: He didn't get his own movie? Sheesh!
Art-Girl: He was a reject. Maybe in a few years.
Shotgun: I'm wondering... Does he use colors to influence people's moods?
Havana Nights: Well, I can see how he's not very useful in combat situations. He's like an awesome gay best friend.
Shotgun: So basically, he's the Fairy Godmother in Sleeping Beauty with the blue and punk circles in his hands.
Art-Girl: OMG can you imagine him at a daycare or working with children. IT WOULD HAVE BLOWN MY KID BRAIN!
Lip-Bomb: Their brains would explode.
DJ Nath: I bet he'd be great with kids. Daddy material.
Art-Girl: Would blow my mind as an adult too.
DJ Nath: Lets go swimming in a purple ocean! Amazing date idea.
Art-Girl: Green eggs and ham!
Shotgun: Purple rain!
Art-Girl: Stop it, Shotgun! Don't make us sad!
Havana Nights: Is his hair line receding?
Art-Girl: Ya I think so, it's natural process.
DJ Nath: More like peaking.
Lip-Bomb: He does light shows for musicians. He's basically Fantasia.
Art-Girl: O_O shit is getting even more real. It's my favorite movie of all time.
DJ Nath: He sounds like he'd be really fun at parties.
Shotgun: Mmmm, I'd have backstage passes for the shows. Meet all the stars.
Art-Girl: This is just blowing my mind so hard guys. I can't handle this!
DJ Nath: Second awesome date idea - light show dance party for two.
Science Girl: He's starting to co-lure me in with his charm. ZIIIING
Art-Girl: I've seen better from you, Science Girl.
Science Girl: AWW COME ON GUYS!
Lip-Bomb: I liked it.

On the (first) female Color Kid
Another (accidental?) LGBTQ+ moment: Color Kid once caught the sex change virus and had to go on a mission as Color Queen.

Art-Girl: Cool.
Havana Nights: I like him better as a her.
Science Girl: Hawt.
Art-Girl: And they look the same.
Shotgun: I prefer her this way.
Art-Girl: But better.
Lip-Bomb: I'm cool with this. That's proper awesome.
Shotgun: The outfit looks way better on a woman.
Science Girl: Damn those lashes are #Stacked!
Havana Nights: Those sleeves are fabulous! The draping on them is amazing.
Art-Girl: She can pull off the shoulders!
DJ Nath: The sleeves are considerably less silly.
Lip-Bomb: Less clowny.
Shotgun: Weirdly long neck.
Art-Girl: And the white stripe that continues make her look so tall. Like 5'9 or more.
Lip-Bomb: Legs for days!
Shotgun: Makes me wonder though, the suit is super tight... Does the sex change virus affect clothes too? WTH?
Siskoid: 30th Century fashion - clothes that mold themselves to your body shape.
Art-Girl: .......
Havana Nights: I accept this explanation.
Lip-Bomb: I can't wait 'til the 30th-Century gets here.
Shotgun: Ummmm not sure that I'm comfortable with that.
Lip-Bomb: Yes you would be... because it changes accordingly. ;-)
DJ Nath: Never need to alter pants ever again.
Art-Girl: Why not? You gain or lose weight and it still all fit you. Don't need to get a new wardrobe.
Science Girl: Bras would always fit. OMG.
Shotgun: Yeah but... my body isn't as good as theirs. I have weird bumps I like to camouflage.
Art-Girl: It would! The clothing just knows. It has a brain of its own.
Science Girl: #TheFuture
Siskoid: We also have invisible spacesuits (Legionnaires can breathe in space without gear), and haircut machines that can actually grow your hair to desired length.
DJ Nath: Man, what a future time to be alive.
Art-Girl: WHAT.
Lip-Bomb: Hahaha.
Art-Girl: Why are we here?!
Shotgun: I'm amazed that Art-Girl hasn't said anything about the rainbow; the order of the colors is weird.
Art-Girl: I love it. Yeah, the blue and green are off, but I've come to accept that people never get that right. The colors were right in the first picture.

On Color Kid as a resistance fighter
After Earth was secretly invaded by evil Dominators, Color Kid joined the Resistance with the other Subs, and learned to use his powers in battle, with such tricks as coloring enemies' corneas and blinding them temporarily.
DJ Nath: Temporarily blinding people seems way dark for him.
Siskoid: It was war.
Art-Girl: It's just temporary!
Lip-Bomb: Well it's terrifying.
Shotgun: He turned into a mime.
DJ Nath: Rainbow face, I'm game.
Havana Nights: He looks like a zombie. Frankenzombie.
Art-Girl: He looks like Frankenstein with the scary haircut.
Science Girl: What's with the brown outfit?
Shotgun: Still can't get over not being able to see his eyes.
Lip-Bomb: I hope he dipped his fingers in several colors of paint and smeared it on his face war action movie style.
Shotgun: Yeah, I thought the rainbow looked like a scar at first.
Art-Girl: Like football players, but with colors!
DJ Nath: Opposite of this:
Art-Girl: Hahahahaha!
Lip-Bomb: Hahaha! Wonderful.
Siskoid: He can probably just manifest his tribal colors with his powers.
Lip-Bomb: Why did he skip his nose?
Shotgun: His jacket's collar is huge!
Lip-Bomb: What if he actually has no eyes?
Art-Girl: Don't scare me like that.
DJ Nath: Couldn't see his own colors. That would be a bummer.
Art-Girl: That would be so tragic. He loves to paint and yet again can't see his work.
Shotgun: The eyes are so important to me. I want someone to look at me when I talk, and feel a connection.
Art-Girl: The original artist was probably super tired the first time drawing the stretch and was like yaaaa nooo I'll just color the eye area black, like it is in shadow, and it never changed.
Siskoid: Well, he's technically not human.
Shotgun: Shush.
DJ Nath: Who ever is?
Shotgun: Details. Hahaha.
Siskoid: This conversation is about to get relevant.
Science Girl: The plot thickens...

On the second female Color Kid, Rainbow Girl

In more recent times, Color Kid was permanently blinded by a villain called Earth-Man, and replaced by the similarly-powered Rainbow Girl, who had, after her Legion rejection, initially gone back to her life as a rich debutante, with her social teas, power lunches, and failed attempts at writing an autobiography.
Shotgun: Yes. 100% in agreement with this.
Art-Girl: Purple anime hair, badass!
DJ Nath: Man, that's tragic stuff.
Art-Girl: But yes, sad he was blinded and replaced. Like, harsh.
Lip-Bomb: What kind of name is Earth-Man? Jesus.
Siskoid: A jerk's name.
Art-Girl: A man from Earth, we shall call him Earth-Man. He won the medal of originality that year.
Shotgun: She's basically a grown-up, badass version of Rainbow Brite.
DJ Nath: A new cosplay idea, she looks awesome. But I am super bummed.
Lip-Bomb: I like the boots. I wish I had purple hair.
Art-Girl: The suit looks comfy; it looks like velvet.
Shotgun: She's so fit, geez.
Art-Girl: Yes, check out her abs and obliques!
Lip-Bomb: I'm sad now... Everything he liked to do needed eyes.
Siskoid: Some writers are cruel.
Art-Girl: This one was awfully cruel. He had no heart.
Shotgun: But yeah, the poor guy.
DJ Nath: Was it like really permanent or comic book permanent?
Siskoid: It's permanent cuz there hasn't been another story since.
DJ Nath: Well that sucks.
Shotgun: I mean... I've always struggled with my vision, but being blind... I can't imagine that.
Art-Girl: I couldn't. I could not paint. Might as well end it.
Shotgun: Science Girl... fix him please.
Science Girl: I can fix him. I install laser eyes for a living. That's totally how all of this works.
Shotgun: And make sure that he has visible eyes afterward.
Art-Girl: Blue ones would be great.
Science Girl: Trust me. I'm a scientist.

The verdict
DJ Nath: He certainly is a colorful character (zing) and I love him! Hot even though I'm sad now.
Science Girl: Hot. I like a badass LGBTQ icon. I mean, he might not be gay, but I'm pretty sure he's on the spectrum. ZIIIINNNG!
Havana Nights: It's not black and white for me... I can't decide.
Lip-Bomb: I don't have a color pun. Hot.
Shotgun: Pretty straightforward for me. Unfortunate that he doesn't have proper eyes, but the more we talked about him, the more invested I was. So yeah... Hot!
Lip-Bomb: We have a lot of stuff in common. He seems cool.
Havana Nights: I have trouble getting over the zombie appearance to be honest.
Lip-Bomb: Which seems like a totally normal thing to feel.
Shotgun: His physique didn't grab me either. I'm into his personality, and I think it could click. I could get past the rest.
Art-Girl: Just with his personality and interests I need to say yes. We could paint together, watch movies, play video games, and board game. I feel he would get along with my friends, so you guys! He loves music too, that's great. Sure, the blind thing is awful but Science Girl will fix him! And Sun Boy... Well, I would have to see how it really is, he doesn't look super buddies like the Iceman [Polar Boy] that time, but if he's there, every once in a while, I could handle that. BIG FAT HOT.
Science Girl: Wait. Right. I think we all forgot he's friends with Sun Boy.
Siskoid: He's not. He's just his favorite hero from that team he didn't get to be on.
Science Girl: Okay. I'll let it slide. This time.
Art-Girl: Even HOTTER.
Shotgun: As I said before... It's logical. He needs light to see colors.
Lip-Bomb: I'm sure if he got to know Sun Boy, he'd agree with us.
Art-Girl: Hahahahaha.
Siskoid: I'm sure he became disillusioned later.
Lip-Bomb: War does that.
Shotgun: Sun Boy is probably the reason he's not on the team in the first place.
Lip-Bomb: Well, that and his powers are ridiculous.
Art-Girl: Ridiculously awesome et fabulous, you mean!
Siskoid: And Sun Boy was a Dominion collaborator, so.
Art-Girl: Also I have the spectrum song in my head now.
Red, yellow, green, red, blue, blue, blue
Red, purple, green, yellow, orange, red, red
Red, yellow, green, red, blue, blue, blue
Red, purple, green, yellow, orange, red, red
Blend them up and what do ya get??
Cerise, chartreuse and aqua
Mauve, beige and ultramarine...

Next: Prickly but nice.
Art-Girl: Rose Kid? I don't like roses!
Shotgun: Sonic?
Science Girl: A cactus?
Art-Girl: An untrimmed beard.
Shotgun: Ooooohhh yes please.
Siskoid: One of you is actually pretty close.


  1. Interesting - but I do hope you showed them some illustrations of Color Kid that WEREN'T drawn by Giffen. You have four pics on the page, three are Giffen illustrations of Color Kid, and the last one isn't even Color Kid. And I don't think Rainbow Girl is a "second color kid." She was introduced several years before Ulu was.

    - Boston

  2. And totally different powers.

  3. Still a straight-up replacement courtesy of Geoff Johns.

    And no, I didn't show them any non-Giffen pics (they'd be here), and somehow they still liked him. Usually, they hate his stuff. Maybe their appreciation of comic book art is growing.

  4. Hilarious series! I'm curious about how these entries are made. Do all of you meet up in a room somewhere and record the discussion, then type the transcript up afterwards? Or is it an online chat transcript, or what?

  5. Chat transcript. If you want us all in the same room, check out the link to oHOTmu OR NOT, the podcast where they do the very same thing to Marvel characters. You'll be glad you did, I think.

  6. Huh, considering that they have since expanded the Green Lanterns to incorporate all the colors of the spectrum, I'm surprised someone hasn't retconned Color Kid to be able to tap into the entire 'Emotional Spectrum', instantly turning him from a joke character into a God ^_^