Saturday, May 9, 2015

Colossal Boy: Hot or Not?

It's their first Earthman! We let a group of candid women with no real Legion knowledge deliver their first impressions of Colossal Boy. May the Luck Lords be kind to us.
Our honorary Legion members are...
Art Girl - Painting and costuming is her thing. One day she'll make her own boy.
DJ Nath - If you can't tell, she's into music. But are there Legionnaires she would like to make beautiful music with?
Lip-Bomb - Tells me she's only in it for the free access to Brainy's Time Bubble. With Nath, operates the You-Tube channel Mind Linked for the telepathically gifted.
Shotgun - Has her own car so doesn't need to call her own code name, which would just seem awkward.
Moderator: Siskoid, 6'4" and empathizing.

Colossal Boy (AKA Gim Allon) can grow to sizes of 25 feet or possibly more. He's from Earth and was a Science Police officer before becoming a Legionnaire, following in a family tradition of military or civil service (his 20th-century ancestor was an Israeli war hero, for example). His mother is the President of Earth. Gim is the strong silent type, honest, hard-working, brave; he gets excited about sports, works out a lot and doesn't generally talk about his feelings.

First impressions on Colossal Boy
Art Girl: Looks friendly. His legs are like the size of like wowwww...
DJ Nath: I like the suit, but the shoulders are a little pointy for my liking, not a fun cuddling outfit.
Art Girl: The boots!!! Makes me think of the Three Musketeers!!!
Lip-Bomb: The boots are awesome! Musketeer is right!
Art Girl: All for one and one for all! Vive la France!
Shotgun: Man, those boots. It's like he doesn't have any ankles.
Art Girl: Or any lower leg. It's just boots.
Shotgun: The outfit's fine, but the boots bother me royally.
DJ Nath: It's the over-flap.
DJ Nath: Like, why is it so huge?
Siskoid (timidly): Colossal.
Art Girl: You know what they say about big flaps on boots, Nath.
DJ Nath: Like a weird pirate.
Art Girl: It's a lot of wasted felt, like, come on guys.
Shotgun: So... Is there a supersuit or something that grows when he grows?
DJ Nath: Maybe like Hulk pants?
Siskoid: Yes, unstable molecules
Shotgun: Something weird about his belt though.
DJ Nath: The belt is a wrestling belt, which is what annoys me.
Shotgun: So... how does he trigger his power? Imagine if he couldn't control it... awkwaaaaarrrrd.
Art Girl: And the picture in the right-hand corner is his awkward yearbook photo.
DJ Nath: Colors are nice at least. I don't know if it's because summer is coming, but they remind me of red, white and blue Popsicles.
Art Girl: I want Popsicles! Anyway... I like his head piece. And his hair, he's got a nice flow going on!
DJ Nath: Does the jewel do anything or is it just decorative?
Art Girl: I like to imagine it's a laser.
Siskoid: Just decorative.
Art Girl: Damn it!
DJ Nath: I'm disappointed it doesn't do anything.
Lip-Bomb: The blue ear thing is a bit annoying. Why cover such nice hair?!
Art Girl: Yeah, I've stopped liking the headpiece now that I know it doesn't do anything.
DJ Nath: Big fan of the flowing hair too.
Art Girl: He must use a very good volumizer.
Lip-Bomb: Personality as described is a bit too goody two-shoes for me. Also I know nothing about sports.
Shotgun: I know things about sports... Not sure he's into hockey though. More of a basketball type of guy.
DJ Nath: More of a football guy, I think.
Art Girl: No, wrestling. With the belt and stuff.
Shotgun: Right, the belt.
DJ Nath: Yeah we would have nothing in common, I don't even see us being friends.
Art Girl: I don't know, I feel like he's really shy.
Shotgun: Siskoid did say he was the silent type.
Lip-Bomb: I feel like we would just sit in uncomfortable silence on a sofa.
DJ Nath: Silent type... maybe he lives in his mom's shadow?
Lip-Bomb: The power is useful to get things on the top shelf.
Shotgun: Especially when you live on the third floor. And you're outside the house.
DJ Nath: Like to hang Christmas lights.
Art Girl: Get a cat out of a tree.
Shotgun: Can he control his size according to the situation, or is it just 6 feet, bam, 25 feet?
Siskoid: Any increment really, even taller. Depends on who's drawing him, frankly.
DJ Nath: It would be funny if he would just make himself slightly taller than his exes' new boyfriends.
Shotgun: HAHAHAH!
Art Girl: Hahhaahhahahahaha, douche, but high-five!

On his original costume
Shotgun: Different color scheme.
DJ Nath: Looks like... an electrician? Or something like that? Works at Kent Homes.
Art Girl: I dont like the hair, this time. No curl.
DJ Nath: I don't like this one as much, and big downgrade on the hair.
Shotgun: Sheesh, game changer. This outfit just isn't as appealing.
Lip-Bomb: Is he saving a boat or playing in the bathtub? Nobody knows.
DJ Nath: The star seems pointless considering his powers.
Siskoid: Haha, "pointless". No one's going to mention the cowboy gloves?
Lip-Bomb: Is he wearing a polo shirt?
Art Girl: Yes, he is.
DJ Nath: So yes, basically works in a hardware store.
Art Girl: And plays golf.
Siskoid: Uhm, want to do the girlfriend(s)?
Lip-Bomb: I'm straight, thanks.
Shotgun: Is it the girl standing on his hand in the surprint? Because if it isn't... trouble in paradise.
Art Girl: *I* like the ladies.

On the women in Colossal Boy's life
Colossal Boy has had three love interests: Gigi Cusimano, an enthusiastic and ambitious Science Police officer; he had an unspoken crush on Shrinking Violet, a Legionnaire who can shrink to subatomic size, and used to be shy and retiring; and Yera (AKA Chamelelon Girl), a Durlan actress who once posed as Violet to infiltrate the Legion, but who developed genuine feelings for him - he wound up marrying her. Shown in order:
Art Girl: Well, he and Gigi can share boots! Violet seems... older?
DJ Nath: Looks like Archie's Veronica?
Art Girl: But with short hair? Looks like Rizzo from Grease!
DJ Nath: It's cute that he had a crush on a girl who could shrink down. That's adorable.
Art Girl: True, it's cheesy in the best possible way.
Lip-Bomb: I like Yera. The orange skin is cool.
Art Girl: Her dress looks fabulous.
Lip-Bomb: But not digging Gigi's hair. Too non-committal between short and long. And can I just say she seems like she would take loads of selfies.
All: Haha! Yes!
Art Girl: And Violet picks fights. And Yera listens to your problems and gives the best advice.
Lip-Bomb: Yeah, she and Colossal can be quiet and introspective together.
Art Girl: Awwwww. That's so cute.
Lip-Bomb: So Yera is a Durlan, so she comes from the same planet as Chameleon Boy?
Siskoid: Yes.
Art Girl: Applause to him to make it work. In every department.
Lip-Bomb: Aww, well that's cool. I'm okay with all of this.
Shotgun: Damn... I'm too normal. I'll have to abuse a tanning bed and turn myself orange.

On dating Colossal Boy
Shotgun: Ok, I have to address an issue I have... I can't stop imagining the guy constantly growing so he can check out cleavages.
Art Girl: Well, two of them DO have pretty high collars!
Lip-Bomb: And now we know why.
DJ Nath: Don't think you'd notive it though, but yeah he totally could.
Art Girl: Boys aren't very subtle about it, I'll let you know.
Shotgun: I can't help but imagine someone with this power would abuse it.
Art Girl: I would.
Lip-Bomb: Hahaha.
Art Girl: I'd always be taller than I am.
Lip-Bomb: Me too.
Shotgun: So... This power to grow, does he always have to stay proportional, or can he grow different parts of his body? (Screw it, no one was gong there... but I am!)
Siskoid (almost too quickly): Proportional!
Art Girl: Damn it.
Shotgun: I think that's better.
Art Girl: So he couldn't just randomly, like... ook ook monkey arms!
DJ Nath: That would be weird, let's be real.
Shotgun: That lays my fears to rest up to a point.
DJ Nath: I guess you could make Colossal Boy be the size that makes you happy.
Shotgun: But it's like with Chameleon Boy. He shouldn't have to change his appearance to be appreciated. Anyway, I wouldn't mind a tall boyfriend for a change. And we could talk sports. I think I'd going out on a date with him... but it'd probably just be a beer and watch the Superbowl or something.
Lip-Bomb: I'd bet he'd like that, though. Being the quiet guy.
Art Girl: I'd have hot chocolate at Starbucks and walk around Chapters just to talk.
Shotgun: Mmmm, and be able to wear all the heels I want no matter how tall they make me look. Yusssssss!
Art Girl: Always a plus. All of the heels.
Shotgun: An end to neurosis.
DJ Nath: I'd have trouble seeing myself on a date with an introvert. Imagine someone that quiet in our group. He would get eaten alive.
Shotgun: An end to mockery!
Art Girl: Wow, that sounds amazing.
DJ Nath: Is he quiet even with friends though?
Art Girl: Well, no, in my head, he's a lot more open and loud with his friends. And after a few beers.

The verdict
DJ Nath: I'm not feeling this one. We're too incompatible. We have no common interests and I need someone that's more outgoing. I'm sure he's a great guy, but not for me. He does have nice hair though, and I can overlook the huge muscles. So physically, yes, sure, but nothing more than that. A solid meh for me.
Shotgun: Well, tall, brown flowy sexy hair, seems to have a nice smile, likes sports... Yeah I would totally go out with him. I'd watch his football, he'd watch my hockey.
Lip-Bomb: It would be awkward. It would be hard to imagine that we would really click. Also, too many muscles. He needs, like, at least 5 fewer muscles.
Siskoid: Five facial muscles, no more expressio--
Lip-Bomb: And piss off everyone behind you.
Shotgun: Who cares about the rest? I'm dating a giant! (sings) THERE ARE GIANTS IN THE SKY!!!
Art Girl: Hot. I am kinda quiet myself, but i can get out of my shell with friends and i feel he's the same. The sports, well, I'll do it, but he has to come to art galleries and watch all of the anime with me. If he's up for it, I'd give it a go for sure. He's tall, has brown hair, if only he'd have blue eyes, he's have the perfect physical combination!
Siskoid: He has brown eyes.
Art Girl: Damn it! I'd give it a go, but not sure it would go beyond two or three dates.
Lip-Bomb: Hahaha.
Siskoid: It was fun, ladies. Thanks! (And then I walked out of the room and let the recording machine on by mistake...)

Turn back now, before it's too late...
Shotgun: Now that it's over... HUUUUUUGE PENIS!
Art Girl: Yesss! I was thinking about that the whole time!
Shotgun: Wouldn't it be terrifying if he couldn't control his powers and mid-sex... BOOM! Gone. You no longer exist. Because I'm weird.
Art Girl: I don't think it's that dramatic. I hope. I think he still has control over his penis.
Lip-Bomb: #UncontrollablePenis!!!
Art Girl: I think he'd ask his new girlfriend how big her ex, Steve, was. And then he'd make himself slightly bigger than Steve.
Shotgun: Well, no, he'd be proportionally bigger everywhere. It's not practical.
Art Girl: That's true, he can't just do the pen--
Shotgun: OH GOD!!! IMAGINE THE REVERSE! He normally has a tiny penis! So he has to become super-tall just to get it to normal size!
Art Girl: Awwww, it's suddenly really sad. I kind of want to give him a hug, the poor guy. But still, it's how you use it. Size isn't everything.

And then I realized what I'd done and raced back in, but like many other things, if it's in the recording, I guess it counts. Next up: Kind of the reverse of Colossal Boy.


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