Saturday, April 16, 2016

Stone Boy: Hot or Not?

Our group of candid women with no real Legion knowledge asked to check out the Substitute-Heroes. Will Stone Boy be their rock?
Our honorary Legion members are...
Art-Girl - Sculpture was not her thing.
DJ Nath - Likes rock, but all sorts of other musical genres.
Havana Nights - Loves a good 6-month nap.
Lip-Bomb - Can she love another with a heart of stone? With her sister Nath, she co-hosts the YouTube channel Mind Linked.
Science Girl - Geology was not her thing.
Shotgun - Loaded with rock salt.
Moderator: Siskoid - Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
And note that now the girls are now doing a podcast with the same premise, only over in the Marvel Universe in oHOTmu or NOT? every few weeks.
First impressions on Stone Boy
Stone Boy (Dag Wentim of Zwen) hails from a world where everyone has the ability to petrify their body to safely sleep through their planet's 6-month-long nights. He can turn to stone. Immobile stone. Like, he becomes a rock-hard statue. But then he kind of takes a snooze (the power is made for suspended animation), so sometimes he doesn't revert back for a while. Yeah, so anyway, the Legion sort of thought his powers were too static for the team and he was rejected, then contacted by Polar Boy and given a place in the Legion of Substitute-Heroes. At one point, the Legion decided to have contest to offer a Sub a spot on their team, and Stone Boy won, but declined to leave his own team. When the Subs disbanded after Polar Boy joined the Legion, he found employment as a deep-space explorer, since in his stone state he needed no food, drink or air. Stone Boy is very loyal to his friends and trusts them implicitly - he has to - but he can be down on himself and his own stupid power. He's naturally quiet, has sensitive eyes, and hobbies like bowling and model building.
Shotgun: BOWLING!
Art-Girl: He sleeps for 6 months?! I need his power, like, now!
DJ Nath: Nap power is the best power.
DJ Nath: Literally.
Lip-Bomb: I like how the text calls his power stupid...
Havana Nights: Oh God, that smirk looks ridiculous.
Science Girl: Sensitive eyes? To light? Maybe he should get that checked.
Shotgun: So he's like a less creepy version of the Weeping Angels.
Art-Girl: A sillier version, you mean. Look at the face.
Havana Nights: If he turns to stone, is it automatically for 6 months or he can control it?
Siskoid: He can't control it well. I've seen him spend entire adventures as an inanimate object.
DJ Nath: I mean you could have a boyfriend for half the year and a great decoration for the other half. We could decorate him as a Christmas tree. Is that offensive? Maybe?
Science Girl: If it's wrong, I don't want to be right.
Art-Girl: Garden gnome to a whole new level.
Shotgun: The chest emblem, like... can it be more subtle, please? The outfit is stupid.
DJ Nath: I like the rock symbol on his chest, no need to make anything complicated.
Art-Girl: I feel indifferent about the emblem, easy and not creative, but I can tell it's a rock.
Lip-Bomb: The emblem looks more like a brain than a rock. Also, who is that a-hole in the drawing in the background that's hitting him with a pipe?
Art-Girl: Sun Boy?
Siskoid: A villain presumably.
Shotgun: I'm with Art-Girl on this one. Can I just mention the boots?
DJ Nath: His feet look huge.
Art-Girl: The boots look like potato sacks.
Science Girl: His chin is sooooo loooooooonnnnng.
Havana Nights: The hair is very Kenickie from Grease.
Shotgun: Haha yes I approve.
Art-Girl: That smirk! That chin! It's all wrong.
Havana Nights: I find the picture doesn't fit the personality description.
Shotgun: It's super sweet that he refuses a spot on the Legion so as not to leave his teammates behind, though.
Havana Nights: That, I agree with.
DJ Nath: Yeah, his personality is very sweet, sounds like a nice guy that needs someone to encourage him.I mean, I like that he has super normal hobbies. We could go bowling together. That seems nice.
Havana Nights: I hate bowling.
Science Girl: I bet he'd like camping.
Art-Girl: I don't care much for bowling. I don't think he would be a good camper. He would be okay for the first five hours and then just be annoyed.
Shotgun: Come on, girls... Bowling is awesome.
Lip-Bomb: Meh, bowling is ok
Shotgun: Especially when you come from a small town where there's nothing better to do on a Friday night.
Art-Girl: Yeah, it's okay, but I feel I would be doing it more then I want too.
DJ Nath: Be his rock, one might say.
Siskoid: Is there a curling joke in there, Nath?
DJ Nath: Haha, yes, there's always a curling joke.
Lip-Bomb: I hope that, at least once, he's said he has rock-hard abs.
Art-Girl: Or "I'm going to rock your world" (and then it turns out horribly).
Science Girl: His favorite band? The Rolling Stones.
Art-Girl: HA!
Shotgun: Well, at least he's Stone Boy as in "rock", not as in "high".
Havana Nights: I mean, every time he sleeps, he turns to stone... I feel that would not be very practical in bed.
DJ Nath: Yeah, he would really ruin a spring mattress.
Science Girl: But would he need to sleep in a bed?
Art-Girl: What, you don't like cold, lifeless things in your bed, Havana?
Shotgun: Ugh. Nope. You see, I was almost convinced and then Art-Girl ruined it.
Art-Girl: Is there lots of dust involved in his going to bed and waking up, like does he produce dust on my clean floors?!
Lip-Bomb: How DOES he wake up?
Siskoid: I don't know how he wakes up... in between issues usually.
Lip-Bomb: he could just go to sleep for an uncertain amount of time... I don't know that I can get past the Weeping Angel trauma...
DJ Nath: I mean there's an obvious penis joke in here that we haven't said.
Siskoid: Good.
Science Girl: Yes, I feel like I deserve a medal.

On his stint in the Resistance
Later in life, while he was a member of the Earth Resistance against the alien Dominators that had secretly taken over the planet, he used hypnosis to essentially sleepwalk through his missions, become a human MOVING statue AND through dedication and a strong work ethic, a leader in the Resistance. The look:
Havana Nights: Oooohhhhh... sleepwalking... that's smart.
Shotgun: Clever boy.
DJ Nath: I'm not sure how that would work.
Art-Girl: I like the strong work ethic and leadership, I feel it would make me feel secure and safe.
Lip-Bomb: Haha "Wow! Recognition!"
Shotgun: So... he's the blond one?
Siskoid: No, that's Chlorophyll Kid... Stone Boy's the one with the earthen complexion. He buffed up.
DJ Nath: I mean, he looks completely different!
Shotgun: How can they even be the same person?
Havana Nights: He has basically no hair. That is a problem for me.
DJ Nath: Who's the sad-looking one? just curious.
Siskoid: Not important.
Art-Girl: i want to hug the man that is sad! Let's name him Joel! But yes, no hair, I don't like that.
Shotgun: Sad Joel.
Lip-Bomb: Well, his hair is rock. No rock hair will look good.
Art-Girl: If I can't play with his hair, it's not real hair.
Siskoid: But only in his rock state.
Lip-Bomb: If he moves a lot, can that wear away parts of his body?
Siskoid: No, he practiced until he had normal, ordinary agility. He seemed fine.
DJ Nath: I guess he's more angularly built now, like a rock. That kind of makes sense.
Art-Girl: I wish his hair was grass! That would be pretty cool.
Lip-Bomb: That would be awesome.
Shotgun: Like a Chia pet?
Art-Girl: YES hahahahahaha!
Science Girl: So... disappointingly patchy?
DJ Nath: Awh truth.
Lip-Bomb: I hope he wakes up sometimes to find a whole ecosystem has built itself around him.
Science Girl: That's the plot to my Disney movie.
Shotgun: If he sleeps for months, imagine how dirty he will be when he finally wakes up.
Siskoid: if you love him, you will dust him.
DJ Nath: We should put that quote on inspirational photos of couples, Siskoid.
Art-Girl: Awh, just hose him down!
Havana Nights: Do his clothes turn to stone too? Cuz the idea of a statue dressed in normal clothes is funny to me.
Lip-Bomb: Does he die? Cuz he could be his own tombstone.
DJ Nath: Awh no! Don't!

On the Reboot's Stone Boy

In the Reboot universe, he wore a slightly different chest emblem. It didn't really change his chances of getting into the Legion.
Shotgun: Ooh I prefer that emblem.
Havana Nights: I prefer that hair.
Shotgun: Less of a chin. More jawline.
Art-Girl: I like the idea of the hair. Gives me hope.
Shotgun: He kind of looks like he has a beard.
DJ Nath: I mean, he just looks like a statue, I don't want to have sex with a statue.
Art-Girl: Words of wisdom.
Shotgun: If you have sex with him when he's a stature, that's basically date rape, so God no. Consent is sexy.
Lip-Bomb: Hey, can he hear people talk when he's asleep?
Siskoid: I don't know.
Art-Girl: Just in case he can hear us, be careful what you say around him.
Lip-Bomb: What if in the middle of a fight he just turns to stone?
Siskoid: Uhm, that's usually what happens. They use him as a battering ram, thrown object, shield, etc.
DJ Nath: Awh man, he's a shield? That makes me sad.
Shotgun: Wow... that's both awesome and awful.
Art-Girl: So they objectify him?!
All: Hahaha!
Siskoid: Well played.
DJ Nath: Dating him would kind of be like having a long-distance relationship.
Art-Girl: Also, we could never go to the beach, erosion.
DJ Nath: And yet he would always have good looking-selfies.
Art-Girl: With that blank look in his statue eyes.
DJ Nath: Either never blinking or always eyes closed.
Lip-Bomb: His Instagram is just the same picture over and over.

On his current look
Today, Dag seems to be once again immobile, though he's learned to pose to look badass or intimidating at least. Part of his shtick is being thrown at things like a missile while making "rock on" hand signs. This is his costume.
Science Girl: That hair. He looks like a member of Creed.
Havana Nights: I love the hair.
DJ Nath: The hair is awesome.
Shotgun: Yuss, I like it. He hasn't just learned to be more intimidating, he looks a lot hotter too.
DJ Nath: I mean, the "rock on" hand symbol, that's pretty funny and self-aware.
Lip-Bomb: I think the "rock on" sign is a bit too on the nose.
Havana Nights: Not sure, however, how I feel about the crotch line thing.
Art-Girl: Makes me look.
Science Girl: #LessBuldge2016?
Lip-Bomb: The rock skin makes him look like he has a lot of scars. I'm not opposed to that.
DJ Nath: This version looks like he's been through some crap.
Shotgun: He gets thrown at bad guys like a freaking torpedo, so YEAH!
Art-Girl: That hair, those cheekbones, the right amount of bulge... I am happy.
Havana Nights: He is much hotter in this version.
Art-Girl: MUCH!
Lip-Bomb: Does he have... chiseled features? ;-)
Siskoid: Boom.
Havana Nights: He doesn't look like a bowler anymore, though.
Lip-Bomb: I can't stop accidentally looking at that yellow line in the crotch. Jeez.
Havana Nights: "Accidentally".
Art-Girl: I've been looking for a round-buckled belt to go with all my polka-dot clothes, where did he get his?!
Siskoid: Truthfully, there isn't always a lot of difference between superhero costumes and normal wear in the 30th Century, so probably just the local shopping mall.
Art-Girl: Cool! TO THE 30TH CENTURY, GANG!
Shotgun: I feel like he would still have fun going bowling. I'd still be down to go with him.
Lip-Bomb: Does he have...a gravelly voice? ;)
Siskoid: And bam.
Shotgun: I hope so. I'm a sucker for a deep voice.
Art-Girl: Mmmmmm. I think we all are. *swoon*
Lip-Bomb: I hope he has several rock-related catchphrases that he says in an action star voice.
Art-Girl: I hope he does rock climbing!
Lip-Bomb: I'm trying to imagine his family reunions. Everyone's just... standing there.
Shotgun: Well, before we give our verdict, I just want to leave this here, because it's been a while.
Siskoid: Not sure we needed help this time.
Shotgun: Oh, we never do.
Art-Girl: My next desktop picture right there.

The verdict
Havana Nights: I mean, the last version is super hot physically... The others, not so much. The description is sweet, but there's no specific hotness attached to his power. So I guess the jury is still out for me.
DJ Nath: I feel like I enjoy his personality and find him fairly attractive, but I just can't get around the not-being-conscious-for-6 months thing. That's a long time and a deal breaker.
Shotgun: Alright... It's complicated. I can't say hot because his powers are too hard to deal with in my opinion. But I really like his personality. He's loyal and becomes a leader and he loves bowling... I mean he sounds like a really good guy that I'd like to meet. The first look is a serious meh, but I'm fine with the other looks.
Science Girl: I'm gonna go with not - I can't get over that early 2000's Christian rock group hair and that whole being and inanimate statue for months thing. Also, I am very worried about his ocular health, he should really get those eyes checked.
Lip-Bomb: My verdict -
Art-Girl: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I want a Weeping Angel in my garden, actually. It would be cool. Keep the kids from causing trouble.
Lip-Bomb: I both want you to spontaneously move the statue in the garden to freak people out and also never go to your house again.
Art-Girl: I'll put it away when you come... Right next to the bathroom window!
Lip-Bomb: Just the thought of that gives me anxiety.
Art-Girl: Sorry! Crap!
Lip-Bomb: I don't ever want to go to my bathroom now.
Art-Girl: I didn't mean it! Crap!!!
Siskoid: Getting ever so slightly off topic...
Science Girl: POINT OF ORDER!
Art-Girl: Never!
Siskoid: Is there a verdict in my future...

*sleeps 6 months*

Art-Girl: I say not. Can't deal with not being there 6 months at a time. I've been in long-distance relationships before, and I'm not interested in doing that again. Maybe for the right guy, but he's not. His personality has good aspects, but not enough for me to last 6 months without him around to talk to, to hang out with, to be intimate with. It's just too much; he leaves me cold. I will be alone with my stone heart!

Next: In Technicolor.
Lip-Bomb (to herself): I mustn't forget to delete that weeping angel picture from my computer. That will terrify me suddenly one day.


  1. These are always fun. I still want 'em recorded like the OHOTMU's. After Ulu, are y'all going to do the more recent additions like Kent Shakespeare, Gear, M'Rissey, Dream Boy, etc?

    Boston Moss

  2. We'll see. Truthfully, these can be hard on our respective schedules, so I might take the feature on hiatus for a bit after the Subs, but it's all about what the girls want to do.

    (But Ulu isn't the last Sub I want to do anyway. Pete needs to be in there, and I might double bank Antenna Boy/Double-Header.)