Saturday, September 12, 2015

Matter-Eater Lad: Hot or Not?

A group of candy candid women with no real Legion knowledge tell us if each Legionnaire is hot or not. Will they devour this next one whole?
Our honorary Legion members are...
Art Girl - Always picking something out of restaurant salads. How she gets rid of Ranch dressing is unknown.
DJ Nath - Does not eat fish despite being from the Atlantic Coast, or eggs. Fish eggs are right out. Co-star of Mind Linked, on You-Tube, with her sister Lip-Bomb.
Havana Nights - Allergic to kiwis, pineapple and pecans. They make her mouth itch.
Lip-Bomb - She's lactose-intolerant, but that doesn't explain her dislike for tomatoes or her blind hatred for capers.
Science Girl - Denies the very existence of honey mustard, and will fight anyone who claims to like it. That usually means DJ Nath.
Shotgun - Does not eat Shepherd's pie or chocolate eclairs. Anything stuffed, actually.
Moderator: Siskoid - Shakes his head at the fact Shotgun hates AWESOME DELICIOUS foods. But if you like ham, you may shake your head at HIM.

First impressions of Matter-Eater Lad
Matter-Eater Lad (AKA Tenzil Kem of Bismoll) can, like everyone from his world, eat anything. Teeth that can chomp through metal, and an atomic furnace for a stomach. He has struggled to be taken seriously, but often provided comic relief thanks to his quick wit and fast talking skills (hey, he somehow convinced the Legion he deserved membership despite the odd nature of his powers.) Though insecure in his youth, he eventually grew quite confident, and even became a bit of a ladies' man, after he was drafted into his planet's Senate and became a politician. Even in politics against his will, he never lost his sense of humor and remained an extroverted jokester.
Havana Nights: Matter eater? Oh Siskoid.
Art-Girl: Politician. I don't knowwwwwwwwwww.
Havana Nights: The bone structure!
Siskoid: That's the joke, yes, congratulations, Science Girl.
Art-Girl: Eat everything... that's a very strange power to stumble upon.
Havana Nights: It's like he just had lemons.
Art-Girl: He's awkwardly dancing?
DJ Nath: From the description alone, I pictured Jaws from James Bond.
Art-Girl: No, just Jaws the shark!
Shotgun: But really... why did they add the "Lad"? Matter-Eater was enough of a name, no?
Siskoid: Legion tradition.
Art-Girl: But it's too long!
Lip-Bomb: Fact - Matter Eater has the sounds that I can't say well in English.
DJ Nath: Matter Eater sounds like an Alice in Wonderland character.
Shotgun: I would have thought he'd be fat, considering his power.
Havana Nights: His body is proportioned weird.
Shotgun: His head. Jesus.
DJ Nath: His face is too long, looks like someone stretched it out.
Siskoid: Yes, Keith Giffen, the artist.
Art-Girl: He's getting sucked up in a black hole! He's not an artist! I spit on him!!!
Havana Nights: Hahaha.
DJ Nath: Yeah, he seems stretched and smushed together.
Shotgun: His legs are so short. What is this infinite torso?
Havana Nights: Long torsos unite!!! I have found a twin!
Art-Girl: He's just badly drawn. Arrggghhhhh!
Shotgun: He's shaped like a damn Titan from Attack on Titan. It makes it so much more creepier. Looks like a Titan and eats everything, makes me uncomfortable.
Art-Girl: Well, I think that's rather badass, actually.
DJ Nath: Also triangle pointing to his penis, so that's a thing.
Science Girl: The hair is just average. Deal breaker.
Havana Nights: He reminds me of Spock.
DJ Nath: Agreed.
Shotgun: Whoa whoa whoa. That's an insult to Spock.
Art-Girl: The hair is nothing.
Lip-Bomb: Finger. Less. Gloves.
Siskoid: Finger-licking good.
Science Girl: Whats the MATTER, you don't like the gloves? GETTIT?!
DJ Nath: Looks like he has shoulders pads, does he ride a dirt bike?
Lip-Bomb: He looks like he's just about to start a sweet break dancing routine.
Art-Girl: No, I feel like he's trying to dance in a club and failing. To my mind, his hips have no rhythm.
Shotgun: He has no hips, period.
DJ Nath: He doesn't look like he would be funny.
Havana Nights: Do you think his jokes fall flat?
Science Girl: Probably.
Lip-Bomb: He looks far too stoic and cold to be funny... I even have a hard time imagining a smile.
Havana Nights: I mean, is he actually funny or just a jokester that makes everyone feel awkward?

On his various looks
His later costumes usually featured a tooth motif (like on the cartoon show, below).
DJ Nath: I like the tooth, I'm cool with the tooth.
Art-Girl: Tooth fairy, but badass?
Lip-Bomb: Badass is a big word for this.
Science Girl: I don't know how I feel about it. Feels like the lame superheroes that try to convince you that brushing your teeth is cool.
Lip-Bomb: Are there... dentists on his world?
Havana Nights: Now he reminds me of the dude in Star Trek that has the visor thingy. (Making every nerd cringe, I am.)
Science Girl: He looks like the kind of guy that constantly makes unfunny jokes... like me!
Shotgun: This second costume is better and he looks better proportioned.
Havana Nights: This sounds weird, but I like his eyebrows in this.
Lip-Bomb: He looks funnier in this version, but maybe a little obnoxious.
Art-Girl: Can he taste? Like, I wouldn't eat that stuff if I could taste it. That metal gross-out taste! Why does he do it?!
Lip-Bomb: Eww, that's true... a lot of stuff must taste disgusting.
Art-Girl: I'm a picky eater, so this is a very strange concept for me!
DJ Nath: I wonder what his favorite meal is?
Lip-Bomb: I bet he would take you out to dinner for a date.
Havana Nights and Art-Girl, as one: And then he'd eat the table!
DJ Nath: I bet you would be all Carlos about it, sweet Magic School Bus reference. What a fun party trick though.
Havana Nights: It would get old fast.
DJ Nath: We should go to one of those "if you can eat all of this in an hour it's free" places. And laugh.
Lip-Bomb: 100% Nath. Everyone is all like gaawwwd staaaap!
DJ Nath: Man, buffets would hate him.
Havana Nights: Maybe he's a slow eater though.
Siskoid: Slow eating would not be very useful in superhero situations, Havana.
Art-Girl: To my mind, he's like a goblin shark, his mouth dislocates and he eats everything in one bite.
Havana Nights: That's horrifying.
Art-Girl: Disturbing.
Lip-Bomb: So everyone on his planet can and does eat anything? The restaurants on his world must be so weird.
Shotgun: They eat the restaurants.
DJ Nath: Is he, like, always hungry, or just ok with eating all the time?
Siskoid: Not always hungry, no, but if he NEEDS to eat, he can.
Art-Girl: How does he not get fat?! That's not fair!
DJ Nath: Ok good then, glad he's not always hungry, that would suck.
Art-Girl: His real power... he has the best metabolism in the world.
Lip-Bomb: Maybe metal and chairs aren't that fattening?
Siskoid: For a laugh, here is Tenzil during the short time he caught the sex-changing virus.
Havana Nights: Oh my.
Shotgun: Sex... change... virus.
DJ Nath: Haha! Man, that's some virus.
Shotgun: She looks cool.
Art-Girl: I wouldn't mind contracting the sex change virus, just to see!
DJ Nath: Something weird about the toothbrush so close to her boob.
Shotgun: It's just the reflection effect.
Lip-Bomb: She's brushing her teeth... very on the nose there.
Siskoid: Mixed metaphor.
Havana Nights: I think she's hotter as a girl.
Science Girl: Agreed.
DJ Nath: But yeah, one hell of a morning.
Shotgun: The popping toothpaste... is that because he finds himself hot? ;-)
Science Girl: Eww.
Lip-Bomb: I like the hair, actually.
Art-Girl: I don't like her hair, but she seems like someone that would be fun and adventurous.
Lip-Bomb: I'm digging the lipstick. I'd wear that.
DJ Nath: I do like the colors of the suit. Green and yellow, looks nice. A little tropical.
Siskoid: Did you see who's in the background?
Shotgun: ...Sun Boy.
Art-Girl: Damn it.
Art-Girl: Such an ass.
Siskoid: Checking out his bro's new butt.
Shotgun: He's sooooo pleased with the situation. Ugh.
DJ Nath: Yeah, screw him more than ever! Creep! That guy sucks!
Art-Girl: Also, the mirror is a "Reflectamatic 9000". Made me laugh.
DJ Nath: Them high tech mirrors.
Lip-Bomb: Hahaha comics, making mirrors sound important.
Art-Girl: I know, and with a picture of a redhead in a green bikini on the side.
Art-Girl: All the mirrors break at the same time. New world of mirrors is coming.
Lip-Bomb: I look at the future and what do I see? My reflection.
DJ Nath: #deep
Shotgun: It's too bad the original design is so horrible. His personality is interesting. I like a joker-type guy, and he seems like a persevering sort, who uses humor to succeed and help his confidence.
Art-Girl: I don't like the ladies' man part of it.
DJ Nath: Yeah, like, I like a guy that can laugh at himself.
Siskoid: You almost have to if that's your power and you're in a team with Mon-El.
DJ Nath: I like him in theory.
Shotgun: And you know... I'm more and more into politics, so that's interesting.
Art-Girl: Did we forget he's a politician?
Havana Nights: But in spite of himself.
Siskoid: Right. Drafted into politics. Bismoll drafts you into civil service like it's the military.
Art-Girl: How horrible.
Shotgun: Whoa... that's a weird concept.
DJ Nath: Dating a politician seems a little annoying if I'm honest, but I get it if he has to.
Shotgun: For a long time?
Siskoid: I think it was more than a term.
Art-Girl: Was he miserable?
Shotgun: Why would you trust someone who's forced to be there to make decisions for everyone else?
Siskoid: I don't know, I don't trust people who have political ambitions.
Lip-Bomb: I hope there are lots of eating jokes in the headlines of newspapers.
DJ Nath: Haha totally.
Shotgun: Everyone is like him, so the jokes wouldn't actually be jokes.
Art-Girl: Boy eats world!
DJ Nath: The crowd was eating it up at his last speech.
Science Girl: He got chewed out at the last meeting.
DJ Nath: We've got to bite down on these issues.
Shotgun: Am I the only one who's terrible at puns?
Havana Nights: I'm just not inspired.
Art-Girl: He get a taste of the real situation.
DJ Nath: More bark than bite!
Siskoid: Food for thought, Mr. President. Let's table this until the next meeting.
Science Girl: Or the meat-ing?
Shotgun: Geez guys. Should I just show myself out?
Siskoid: Politician Tenzil.
DJ Nath: I mean, why does he have to look so weird?
Science Girl: That suit is way to big.
Lip-Bomb: Dear God, whoever told him that outfit was cool was on commission.
Art-Girl: He look like Vanilla Ice in Cold as Ice. Hahaha!
Havana Nights: He really does look weird... Almost vampiresque.
Shotgun: Now he ONLY has legs.
Siskoid: His style will always remind me of Chris Tucker in The Fifth Element.
Shotgun: OH GOD YES. And the poster thing with the tooth. Dear God.
DJ Nath: Too flowy and bright. Jesus dude, did you look in the mirror?
Art-Girl: And if you look quickly, there's something that looks like a penis on the girl's briefcase. But it isn't. Sadly.
Shotgun: Oh God, the penis. I see it (as always).
Lip-Bomb: What is happening around his neck?
Siskoid: Frills.
Art-Girl: Ugly, like everything else. His head is so small. The proportions are out the door on this one too.
Science Girl: He looks crazy. Girl at his side looks really put together though.
Lip-Bomb: He actually looks like a villain more than anything.
Shotgun: Everything is weird. EVERYTHING!
Lip-Bomb: He looks like a pompous crazy villain. I feel like he would use big fancy words just to annoy people.
DJ Nath: Yeah, I don't trust him here. He looks like he would steal everyone's left shoe. Not a serious crime, but annoying
Shotgun: Jesus Nath. That sounds awful and awesome.
DJ Nath: Right?!?
Lip-Bomb: Like one of those pranksters whose pranks aren't actually funny.
Art-Girl: I would kill him if he stole my heels. Kill him with the other heel.
Shotgun: So pale. Like he's dead. Is he Frankenstein or something?
Lip-Bomb: Is that what politics does to you?
Art-Girl: Makes you dead inside... yes.
Lip-Bomb: I've just realized that if he's a vampire, the tooth logo can still work.
Science Girl: Just realized he took a bite out of the word Legion. Can't stop eating, can he?
Shotgun: Who is that with him, his secretary?
Siskoid: His assistant, yes.
Shotgun: He is SO banging her.
Art-Girl: His assistant is a babe!
Science Girl: Totes.
Lip-Bomb: I might be warming up to the jacket.
DJ Nath: I much prefer the jacket to the pants.
Shotgun: I'd wear the assistant's dress, anyway.
Art-Girl: Everything, vomit.
Shotgun: And she has really sweet hair.
Art-Girl: Hair envy, right here.
Science Girl: Jealous.
Lip-Bomb: Who is that guy in the back with one eye? I like him.
Art-Girl: I like the red monster that looks super shy and is hiding. He looks sweet and caring.
Shotgun: OMG it's really sad how we think the monsters in the background are hotter than the main guy.
Art-Girl: That's just life!
Science Girl: Everyone looks nice, except him. It's like he forgot he had a big event that day.

On marrying Saturn Queen
As an adult, he did eventually marry former/future villain Saturn Queen, a telepath/mind-controller from Saturn Girl's world of Titan. This was her second marriage: Her first was a loveless alliance with the villain Evillo, whom Tenzil deposed. At that point in her life, though she enjoyed the trappings of power, she was no longer a diehard villainous. She's more easy-going and a thrill seeker who likes to shock people, which may be why Tenzil appeals to her.
Lip-Bomb: Evillo is the silliest of villain names.
Science Girl: HOT.
Havana Nights: I love her hair.
Science Girl: She's kinda Taylor Swift-like.
Havana Nights: And the little dress thing she's got going on is cute.
Art-Girl: The one on the left is badass. I love the outfit on the left.
Shotgun: I am totally into that outfit.
Art-Girl: The one on the left has everything!
Shotgun: I would cosplay her tomorrow.
DJ Nath: The one on the right looks like she's a boxer posing for a sexy magazine. She also prefers to fight in actual gloves.
Shotgun: She's so intense.
DJ Nath: She looks super fierce. Also agree it's an awesome dress. I would wear that.
Lip-Bomb: I automatically want to be her.
Shotgun: Her eyes. They're piercing my soul.
Siskoid: Yes, that's her power.
Shotgun: She knows everything about me. EVERYTHING.
Art-Girl: The horror.
Shotgun: Even the stuff I don't know about myself.
Art-Girl: My darkest secrets.
DJ Nath: I would not want to be on her bad side. The hands are so menacing.
Lip-Bomb: Having a fight with her must be so pointless... I mean, with the mind control and all.
Shotgun: Well she's easy-going and likes a thrill, I can relate... sometimes.
Siskoid: How does it make you feel about Tenzil knowing he married her?
Shotgun: Well I guess he got better from the virus thing.
DJ Nath: Seems a little out of character to me honestly.
Art-Girl: How does it make me feel? Like you are a weird therapist suddenly.
Havana Nights: I don't really see them together.
Shotgun: I just can't picture how they would look together.
DJ Nath: I guess she is easy-going, but she doesn't look it. I can't really picture them hanging out.
Lip-Bomb: She looks too intense for him. He kinda has a more laid back feel.
Art-Girl: I wonder how they met. Like, what made them be, like, I fancy you!?
Siskoid: ME-Lad deposed her evil first husband. To be Queen at home, she needed a consort. #meetcute
Lip-Bomb: Why can't all romcoms be like that?
Art-Girl: Hahahaha, I would watch that.
Shotgun: I mean, it states that he gained confidence, but I can't imagine that he ever had enough confidence to ask this kind of girl out.
Havana Nights: Did they stay married?
Art-Girl: Or is it like a warm friendship, but still married for legal purposes.
Shotgun: Maybe it's his political side that convinced her. The power and that's all.
DJ Nath: I guess he controls people's minds in his own way?

The Verdict
Havana Nights: M. E. H.
Shotgun: Can't get over the extra "Lad". Jesus.
Science Girl: Meh, he looks kinda obnoxious and unfunny. I'd go for the assistant instead, HOT.
Shotgun: I... I'm trying really hard to put aside the physique and try to enjoy his personality but no... I just can't.
Havana Nights: There's just nothing appealing about him...
DJ Nath: I like his personality, funny and becomes confident, that seems really nice and fun. But his design is so weird, I can't get past it. I bet he's cool in reality, but man, is he ever weirdly proportioned or weird or too young/cartoony. It's sad really.
Art-Girl: TOTS HOT! I really like his look and--did I fool you? Did you BITE? Nope. Ladies' man, politician, too serious, his look is not for me, unfunny, annoying, obnoxious. I would bring his wife to a indie club because i think she'd like it, and the assistant; we could chat over martinis.
Science Girl: He's like a stale cracker with caviar on it, you can't hide that you're lame.
Shotgun: Like it could've been a match for me, but Jesus... He looks so weird... I know that looks aren't everything, but I can't make myself like someone I absolutely don't find attractive.
DJ Nath: His design and personality don't match up.
Havana Nights: Agreed Nath.
Lip-Bomb: On paper, he should be hot. He has loads of qualities that I like and seems like a cool guy. But he looks like an unfunny, annoying douche. Overall, his design bites.
Science Girl: Zzzing!

Next: Legion romances get progressive!


  1. Giffen's art ruined Tenzil's chance at hotness...

  2. The girls are convinced he deserves everything he gets. Except your sympathy. ;)