Saturday, March 21, 2015

Cosmic Boy: Hot or Not?

The great experiment. Show a group of women who have no real foreknowledge of the Legion of Super-Heroes and ask them for their first impressions of each male Legionnaire. What no one expected was a hilarious tear down of the male superhero figure, starting with the Legion's very first...
Our honorary Legion members are...
Art Girl - A true blue visual artist whose tastes tend to anime more than American comics, she's acutely aware of costume fashions, and even more acutely afraid of birds.
DJ Nath - The empath of the group, she's into music and Scott Pilgrim. She and her sister (future contributor Lip-Bomb) have a cool You-Tube channel called Mind Linked. Guess what their power is.
Havana Nights - A divorcee has her own take on what makes a guy attractive, and she's sure to make more than a few Legionnaires feel burned.
Shotgun - Blasts away with unfiltered opinions. Don't expect any sugar-coating from this Manga fan!
Moderator: Siskoid, and may Glorith have mercy on his soul.

First impressions on Cosmic Boy

One of the three Legion founders, he has the power of super-magnetism (if you know what we mean) (and we mean like magnets and stuff). He's a born leader, strong and steady, your typical superhero type.
Havana Nights: Meh... He seems like the kind of boy (and not man) you'd bring home to your mother. A bit too clean-cut for me, though he wins points for his black hair.
DJ Nath: I agree, the hair color is nice, but so stuck to his head. Makes me think of a 1950s square, so not very sexy.
Art Girl: He looks sweet and nice and someone I would love to bring home to my parents. My parents would love him, but he looks maybe lackluster in the personality department. Too clean-cut for my taste and he looks almost a bit egocentric.
Havana Nights: Ok well he's pretty buff, but that's never been a big selling point for me.
Art Girl: Yeah, but what about "I will crush you if we cuddle?" There has to be a limit to strength and muscle.
Havana Nights: Whoooo wants a bear hug?!?
Art Girl: Not from him!
Shotgun: He's achieved the level of buffness where we can't tell where the neck ends and the shoulders begins. That kind of thing freaks me out.
DJ Nath: Also, points for the pink outfit. That takes guts for an otherwise really clean-cut looking guy. He looks like Prince Eric, the most generic prince.
Havana Nights: It's not even real pink though... It's salmon. I don't trust guys with salmon shirts.

On the 1970s skin look

Art Girl: But wait, I thought that was his skin, not a pink suit.
DJ Nath: Hahaha yup, you're totally right, but his face is a way different shade, I thought it was clothing.
Art Girl: Okay, I see, I think you're right it's his suit.
Siskoid: His 1970s outfit DID show a lot of skin, if that helps:
DJ Nath: OMG, that's way worse.
Shotgun: OK now that's just scary.
Havana Nights: Oh dear god... The corset effect is just too much.
Art Girl: Nooooooooooooooooooooooo...
DJ Nath: He's wearing lingerie basically. Still has the helmet hair.
Art Girl: Like, it looks like an outfit you wear in the bedroom or a strip club.
Shotgun: But he's a guy!!! Why cover the nipples?
Art Girl: Thank you, Shotgun. I was thinking that too. Weirdest tease that isn't a tease. Makes me think of Tim Curry in Rocky Horror Picture Show and not in a good way.
Shotgun: And his hair on that one makes him look like your uncle.
Art Girl: Like, Tim Curry is amazing;  this is not.
DJ Nath: Also, not a fan of the word "Boy" if we're talking sex appeal. Would make me feel creepy to think him hot.
Havana Nights: So he's basically got the fashion sense of that disturbing uncle everybody has.
Art Girl: I don't have one of those, thank Goddddd. Nightmare fuel!!!!
DJ Nath: That pose in the right-hand corner is really far from sexy, but points for the power if magnetism does more than metal. From what I understand, he's a boring Magneto?
Art Girl: You can never be better than Magneto. He's played by Micheal Fassbender... and he's Mr. Rochester in Jane Eyre!
Havana Nights: He's that guy you get set up with on a blind date and it's super awkward.
Art Girl: He's the guy at the bar who can't get the hint that you're not interested in him!!!
Shotgun: He the good guy my parents would like, but that's why I think he would fake it for appearances. He must be a pervert or something. That corset...

On dating Night Girl
Siskoid: Does knowing who he actually goes out with change your impression of a guy? Does he get sexier, or less so, based on who he's managed to pull?
DJ Nath: If she's really hot, I'm like, girl, you could do better.
Art Girl: It won't change my mind, I don't think, maybe I'd be surprised or jealous if he landed a beautiful girl.
Shotgun: Yes, I think it can change your perception, yes. Apparently, what's unattainable is more desirable.
DJ Nath: Also, he's probably a nice guy so he deserves love and all that.
Siskoid: He goes out with Night Girl, a member of the Legion of Substitute-Heroes who is super-strong, but only at night.
DJ Nath: Actually, that seems like a good match. I could see them together.
Havana Nights: Yeah, agreed.
Art Girl: Yes, nice match.
DJ Nath: She looks more badass than he probably is, but not so much that it would be ridiculous. Ok yeah, there's a creepy hug/graduation picture in the background. Getting kind of a rapey feeling.
Art Girl: She's the sexual one.
DJ Nath: He looks like the kind of guy who would be possessive in a relationship, but be subtle about it, so his girlfriend doesn't notice, but it bugs the hell out of her friends.
Art Girl: Yes, controlling... or egocentric.

On his real name: Rokk Krinn
Shotgun: OK no!
DJ Nath: Too many K's.
Havana Nights: Sounds like a jock's name.
Art Girl: Awwwww, no no no. Sounds too much like the name of the popular douchebag in school.
Shotgun: He was probably a quarterback.
Art Girl: Exactly!
DJ Nath: The kind of guy who's really sporty, but still does well in school, so he's really annoying.
Shotgun: Yeah. Good at everything; you just want to smack him.
Art Girl: And maybe he even has a secret artistic talent. F***er.
Havana Nights: No, he's too cookie-cutter to be an artist.
Shotgun: At first you want to be his friend, but then it becomes too much.

On Ryan Kennedy as Smallville's live action Cosmic Boy
Art Girl: The mustache! No.
Shotgun: Oooooh from jock to emo.
DJ Nath: He looks much more sympathetic there.
Art Girl: What's with the pouty lips?!
DJ Nath: More brooding and emotional.
Art Girl: Nice coat. I like the pattern, reminds me of a Coco Channel.
Shotgun: He's the Jon Snow of superheros. Is it me or does he look like he has a super long torso, like, ridiculously long?
Art Girl: Yessssssss!
Havana Nights: His build and face remind me of my ex, so no.
Art Girl: Awwww no, Havana!!!! Hahhaha.
DJ Nath: It's probably just how the picture is framed. So nothing too notable for me in that picture. Meh.

The verdict
Havana Nights: Me too, a global "meh". These panties are staying put for now.
DJ Nath: Exactly.
Art Girl: Mine are locked in place.
Shotgun: Not just the panties... even the bra isn't budging.
Art Girl: Fully clothed. Flannel pajamas and everything.
Shotgun: Unsexy sweatsuit on. Making it clear I don't care what he thinks of me... Not interested.

So there you have it, folks. Cosmic Boy is a NOT to these ladies.

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