Saturday, June 6, 2015

Brainiac 5: Hot or Not?

Is it brains over brawn when when we let a group of candid women with no real Legion knowledge deliver their first impressions of Brainiac 5? Find out, but bring a force field with you...
Our honorary Legion members are...
Art Girl - Her degree in plastic arts allows her to create beautiful things.
DJ Nath - Her degree in education allows her to teach both History and English. Follow her You-Tube channel, Mind Linked, which she telepathically shares with her sister Lip-Bomb.
Havana Nights - Highest degree of education in the group. Her masters thesis in political science was all about George W. Bush's word choice (you can't make this stuff up).
Lip-Bomb - Has a degree in psychology allowing her to read you like a book.
Shotgun - Her degree in education allows her to teach Math and History.
Moderator: Siskoid - His degree in English Lit allows him to do little except transcribe Hot or Not chats.

Brainiac 5 (AKA Querl Dox) is the descendant of Superman archvillain Brainiac. His only power is "5th dimensional intelligence", which basically means he's the smartest person ever. He uses a force field belt which works on himself and others, and invented the Legion flight rings the entire team wears. But being a genius can take its toll. Brainy can be obsessive, arrogant, short-tempered, even tortured when he feels he missed something important which led to tragedy. (Note: I am hid part of the image so as to only later reveal his romantic interest.)

First impressions on Brainiac 5
Havana Nights: He's green.
Art-Girl: Or is it the lighting?!
Siskoid: No, he's green.
Art-Girl: Okay, but he's blond.
Havana Nights: I don't like him. And it's not the green.
Lip-Bomb: His hair is glorious though.
DJ Nath: I like the hair, the flip is nice.
Shotgun: Brainiac 5... it sounds so pretentious. I'm Brainiac the fifth, bow before me.
Lip-Bomb: Braniac 5, by Chanel.
DJ Nath: Agree, terrible name.
Shotgun: IS HIS NICKNAME BRAINY? *giggles*
Siskoid: Uhm, yes, exactly right.
DJ Nath: Hulk-ish color combo, but I like it.
Havana Nights: He looks like he'd always wear turtle necks.
Art-Girl: He looks too serious, and I am not a fan of blonds.
DJ Nath: Says the blond, hahaha. So he's in a dynasty of smart people?
Siskoid: Yes, Brainiac 1 was a big Superman villain (2nd biggest after Lex Luthor), 2 was the leader of 1990s L.E.G.I.O.N., a hero but a right bastard, 3 was his son, and so on.
Shotgun: Just wait, maybe he'll be a ginger in the next generation.
Art-Girl: Right, I'm a blond, I wouldn't date a blond, too similar.
Havana Nights: I think he sounds like a bad romance novel protagonist.
Lip-Bomb: I feel like he'd get really frustrated at me for not understanding things.
DJ Nath: Yes, agreed.
Art-Girl: If he's kind of short-tempered, that's not a god thing.
DJ Nath: That would annoy me, I prefer people who are more laid back.
Art-Girl: I like a mixture. Too laid back and like, it makes me panic, I panic for the other person.
DJ Nath: Force field is pretty cool and probably useful, I feel like I would overuse it.
Havana Nights: A force field BELT, so you ain't getting near his penis.
Lip-Bomb: I like pretentious people, but he looks possibly condescending.
Shotgun: Tortured when he feels he missed something. FOMO level "it's over 9000".
Art-Girl: He makes me think of a dad disappointed in his kid. Like, I'm not mad, Billy, I'm just disappointed in you.
Lip-Bomb: Maybe he lives in the shadow of the smartness of his family.
Siskoid: Brainy is from Colu, the planet of the Computer Tyrants.
Lip-Bomb: ...Computer Tyrants? Dear God. They don't even try to hide it.
Siskoid: So Brainy is the only good person from his whole planet and its whole history, all on his shoulders.
Art-Girl: Pressure.
DJ Nath: I feel like he wouldn't like me, actually.
Shotgun: Though, since he's like more of a smart guy, once again, it means he's not super-buff.
Lip-Bomb: Agreed. Smart power = no muscles... What are you saying, comics???
Havana Nights: He belongs in an 80s soap opera.
Art-Girl: You can see his chest is still pretty muscled.
Havana Nights: Also, has anyone seen the eyebrows in the surprint?
Art-Girl: Yessss. the eyebrows for "I am thinking deeply. About serious things. Hum hum hum."
DJ Nath: The outfit is a little bland for me. Like, it looks too casual.
Lip-Bomb: I like the suit. A bit simple maybe, but not blindingly ugly.
Shotgun: An electrician's coveralls.
Art-Girl: They look like weird pajamas.
Lip-Bomb: I'm liking the boots.
Art-Girl: I love the colors, but it's kind of lackluster. No print. No shine. No pattern. Nothing.
Havana Nights: It's a turtleneck top.
Lip-Bomb: The belt maybe looks a little like Lego's.
Shotgun: I think it's sad he's short-tempered and arrogant.
DJ Nath: That stuff pisses me off.
Art-Girl: Me too.
Shotgun: If he's the smartest person ever, he should really know better... Other people obviously can't understand as much.
Art-Girl: It's a horrible personality trait.
Shotgun: He lacks empathy.
Lip-Bomb: But I'm short-tempered and arrogant...
Siskoid: We already agreed you wouldn't win any personality contests.
DJ Nath: Haha everyone hates you, Lip-Bomb!
Art-Girl: Noooooooo. I love you.
Havana Nights: But dumb, so it's ok?
DJ Nath: Hahaha.
Art-Girl: Oh my goodness haha.
Lip-Bomb: I guess smart doesn't mean compassionate or understanding.
DJ Nath: Too much brain, not enough heart.
Art-Girl: Yeah, his heart is cold.
Shotgun: Yeah smart = condescending a-hole apparently. Damn, I'm kind of sorry I was considered a brainiac all my life.
DJ Nath: I don't hate the green though, I can live with that.
Shotgun: You know what's cool about him though... He invented the flying rings... He could give me one, right?!

On Brainy's other looks
Siskoid: Ok, three looks - top left, older Brainy; bottom left, animated series Brainy where he is a mechanical boy; right side is Brainiac 5.1 (got an upgrade).
Art-Girl: There's a monkey.
DJ Nath: All of these are less fun for me. Except for the monkey.
Havana Nights: He likes purple, huh.
Lip-Bomb: The monkey is basically the best.
Shotgun: Which doesn't mean much, on the face of it.
Art-Girl: In the picture with the beaker, he's got a bitch face, "please, I am so much better than you".
Havana Nights: His jaw is too square.
DJ Nath: Lab coat is very 80s action scientist, so meh for me.
Lip-Bomb: What the hell happened to his hair? It was awesome before.
Siskoid: The 1990s happened.
DJ Nath: Boo to the 1990s.
Havana Nights: And to receding hairlines.
Lip-Bomb: What is up with that... I don't know... mullet?
Art-Girl: Hahaha. He's not pulling off the mullet. He's trying too hard to be cool and fit in, but he never will.
Havana Nights: No one pulls off a mullet.
Lip-Bomb: I find him more brooding in the science pic, maybe? But can I just say - Look at that math happening in the background! But you guys wouldn't understand that stuff ;-)
Shotgun: Pppffftt rubbish math.
Siskoid: 5th dimensional math!
Shotgun: Angles and symbols, pffft.
Art-Girl: Math in general...
Shotgun: Who does he think he is? Turing? Hawking? (What do they have in common? Benedict, of course!)
Lip-Bomb: I wonder what that pink potion does?
Art-Girl: Makes him have friends.
Lip-Bomb: Oooooh.
Havana Nights: It's Kool-Aid.
Shotgun: If it were an empathy potion, everyone would win.
Lip-Bomb: Because he needs help being Kool.
Art-Girl: Hahahaha.
Lip-Bomb: AM I RIGHT?
Art-Girl: Confetti explosion.
Shotgun: Ok, mechanical Brainy just makes it even more true that he's cold-hearted.
Havana Nights: Does he ever smile?
Shotgun: Good point. You damn robot.
Art-Girl: Too smart and serious to smile.
Shotgun: I want smiles.
DJ Nath: I don't like stretchy finders.
Shotgun: (dreamily) More smiles like Tom Hiddleston's, or Ewan McGregor's...
Art-Girl: What's with the tentacle fingers? What is happening in that picture???
DJ Nath: Terror. Terror is happening.
Art-Girl: OMG the nightmare fuel.
Shotgun: The robot looks like a girl. There, I said it.
DJ Nath: Makes me uncomfortable, yeah, I agree.
Art-Girl: Me too, I think he looks a little feminine there.
Lip-Bomb: So instead of being smarter, he's a robot? That makes his power a bit lame.
Art-Girl: Robot  = lame.
Lip-Bomb: Does the monkey have a name?
Shotgun: I would date the monkey... the monkey is hot.
Art-Girl: The monkey is the best. He's stealing the show.
Siskoid: Monkey's called Koko.
Art-Girl: Koko like Koko the gorilla, awww. Love it.
Shotgun: But I don't hate Brainiac 5.1's look. More designs... Even the elements in his face add something mysterious.
Lip-Bomb: Yeah, I don't mind the suit in the monkey picture.
Shotgun: The belt is more subtle and has the logo, so that's nice.
DJ Nath: I like the 5.1 suit, too. Nice colors, a bit halloweeny.
Lip-Bomb: What is on his face? The white circles?
Siskoid: The circles are computery-ness.
Lip-Bomb: Computery-ness. Braniac 5 would probably correct you on that. The bastard.
Shotgun: I don't mind the circles... I mean.. He has a green face... We should have been expecting weirder stuff.
Art-Girl: They're like freakles (sic), but, like, futuristic.
Shotgun: Fake freckles gives him a ginger feel... ugh.
Lip-Bomb: They kinda remind me of Nelly, but the forehead ones are cool.
Shotgun: You mean plastered face Nelly?
Havana Nights: Didn't Nelly have a band-aid, not circles?
Art-Girl: You're right. Which was still silly.
Havana Nights: Ha! I am smarter! Therefore arrogant and an a-hole!
Lip-Bomb: Yes, that's what I'm referring to, the band-aid on his face.
Art-Girl: ......
Lip-Bomb: It's just a strange place to put things.
Art-Girl: It's not useful, just decorative and ugly.
Shotgun: It's got to be more than decorative, come on ladies. I like the circles.

On his most important romance

Siskoid: So I'm ready to reveal his girlfriend, but that's not the right word. Really it's THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE.
Shotgun: Oof ok.
Lip-Bomb: Oooh.
Art-Girl: Ohhhhhhhhhhh. Himself?
Shotgun: That's probably a deal breaker for us.
Art-Girl: Wait, what?
DJ Nath: Oh crap, what?
Shotgun: ....
Art-Girl: ...interesting.
Lip-Bomb: TWIST!
Shotgun: Her family must reject him! Her ancestors must be turning in their graves!
Havana Nights: I know she exists, but I lack the backstory knowledge to grasp.
Siskoid: She is the cousin of Superman, and would fly to the future from time to time to hang with the Legion. She was inducted at the same time as Brainy.
Art-Girl: Roadtrip to the future on a casual Sunday.
Lip-Bomb: That gives new meaning to long distance relationships.
DJ Nath: Well, she is pretty cool, can't really blame him.
Art-Girl: I understand why he loves her, she's gorgeous.
DJ Nath: Like, awesome outfit, iconic, great hair, she sure is super.
Art-Girl: Her pose is like, "Breasts, I have those, look!"
Shotgun: What happens if she becomes pregnant in the future, but then comes back to the past to give birth? And the kid kills his great-great-great-grandfather because he's a villain? PARADOX!!!
Art-Girl: Dont get pregnant in the future.
DJ Nath: Pro tip.
Shotgun: Or at least, get pregnant then give birth before heading back to the past.
Havana Nights: Is she smart or is he impatient with her because she can't follow him?
Siskoid: No, she's the exception to that rule.
DJ Nath: Because LOVE.
Lip-Bomb: And because she's so friggin' majestic.
Havana Nights: So he loves her so much, it's ok that he finds her dumb?
Shotgun: Havana, you make it sound horrible. The things we do for love.
Siskoid: The Superman family isn't dumb, they have super intelligence.
Shotgun: Which is still dumb to him.
Havana Nights: Well, I meant dumb by comparison. Because we all are, next to him.
Art-Girl: Do I love you because you're beautiful? Or are you beautiful because I love you?
DJ Nath: I think I would always be self-conscious even if he didn't point it out.
Siskoid: So Havana, the guys you dated were all of equal intelligence to you?
Havana Nights: Hahaha, no, my exes be dumb.
Art-Girl: Hahahahahahahahaha. All our exes are dumb after.
Shotgun: During too.
Lip-Bomb: I mean, she's smart and probably, what, a journalist or personal assistant in her secret identity?
Shotgun: Let's be perfectly honest here. But aren't we all the smart ones here?
Art-Girl: Yes, we are all a bunch of smart ladies.
Lip-Bomb: ...and I'm the arrogant one? Anyway... How do those boots stay up?
Art-Girl: Spandex. Everything stays up with spandex.
DJ Nath: Original hair Brainy and her hair here would look nice together.
Lip-Bomb: That cape though. Makes me want to twirl.
Art-Girl: I want her butt and boobs.
DJ Nath: Yeah, definitely into the cape. Who doesn't want a cape?
Shotgun: Well he's totes into her so, so that makes him more sympathetic and human to my eyes.
Siskoid: So it's super sad when Supergirl dies, that's when Brainy becomes really tortured.
Art-Girl: SHE DIES?!
Shotgun: *rolling her eyes*
DJ Nath: Yeah I figure, if he couldn't save her.
Art-Girl: !!!!!!!!!!!!
Lip-Bomb: Aww... Right, she dies... classic cover.
Siskoid: Geek cred, Lip-Bomb!
Lip-Bomb: I listen when people go on about comics. Also I'm super smart.
Art-Girl: Clark, I am so sorry. Let me comfort you!!!
Havana Nights: Aww.
Lip-Bomb: And now I'm sad... Does he never love again?
DJ Nath: Everyone dies, comics are depressing.
Art-Girl: Or just fly around the planet and go back in time, like in the Superman movie.
Siskoid: Of course this is all undone eventually and another version of Supergirl gets together with another version of Brainiac 5.
DJ Nath: Yay!
Art-Girl: ....
Lip-Bomb: So does Braniac just lock himself away to be tortured in the meantime?
Art-Girl: He just eats a lot of ice cream. No one truly dies, do they?
Siskoid: Only Bruce Wayne's parents and Uncle Ben.
Havana Nights: Well, I'm happy for them.
DJ Nath: Comics are all LIES.
Shotgun: Dying... it's so uncool. Let's just get back to life.
Lip-Bomb: That's your tombstone right there.
Shotgun: Their tombstones are all "I'll be back... somehow... in the reboot or something".
Art-Girl: Hahahaha.

On the live action Brainiac 5 from Smallville

Havana Nights: Uuuuuuugh.
Art-Girl: I remember him!!!
DJ Nath: I mean, that's barely the same guy.
Art-Girl: He's older. After all the suffering.
Shotgun: YYYESSSS!
Art-Girl: The death of his love took its toll on him.
Shotgun: My verdict will change at the live action version - YESSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!
Art-Girl: But those cheekbones! OMG they could cut you.
Lip-Bomb: You know, Smallville was just a collection of casual cosplayers.
Havana Nights: I only see arrogance. Can't get past it.
DJ Nath: Yeah, solid meh for me. Looks like a dentist that would judge my gums.
Havana Nights: Hahaha.
Art-Girl: I see sadness and him being by himself and having this wall up to keep people away.
Shotgun: Also not green, but his shirt is.
DJ Nath: Yeah and purplish jacket, so points for that.
Havana Nights: He's sickly pale though.
Siskoid: I think that was the compromise to avoid green make-up.
Shotgun: Refreshing that he isn't platinum blond. Though really funny considering...
Art-Girl: If he had blond hair, it would just be Spike in the future.
Shotgun: They probably wanted to set them apart.
Lip-Bomb: I don't even like him a little.
DJ Nath: The hair flip here is not great. Looks like he put lots of gel in his hair.
Art-Girl: And gross old man gel. Not fresh cucumber or morning breeze.
DJ Nath: Actually, maybe it's not a flip. Either way too much gel. You wouldn't want to run your hands through it.
Havana Nights: He just looks bitter. And tortured.
Lip-Bomb: I agree, super bitter. No one asked him to dance. I think he seems whiny to me here... That's what makes the difference.
Art-Girl: He has a dry sense of humor that you don't see to often.
Lip-Bomb: Sarcasm, maybe? Just because some people won't get it.
Shotgun: Well he's super smart, and he traveled back in time to a period when his ancestor was a super evil villain. I would be acting weird too.
Lip-Bomb: Hahaha. Perspective.
Art-Girl: I guess it's true. "What is this thing called a dance?"
Shotgun: But yeah... he's clearly at a dance or wedding or something and seems bored as hell.
Lip-Bomb: Maybe he's slow dancing with himself.
Art-Girl: Awwww.
Shotgun: But probably a chick did ask him to dance, but he was condescending about it. And the others laughed at him.
Art-Girl: All by myse-ee-eelf!!!!!! ♪
Shotgun: And he sort of regrets it. Man, I gotta stop with the fake backstories.
Lip-Bomb: Fake backstories are the best backstories.
Shotgun: Because personally, I think he looks more sad than pretentious.
Art-Girl: He's super-sad, like, Montreal subway sad.
Lip-Bomb: I can't stop picturing him with Skeletor 's voice, for some reason.
Art-Girl: I just saw my dog die sad.
Shotgun: But whatever... it's James Marsters, so HHHOOOOOTTT!!!!!

The verdict
Shotgun: Brainiac 5.1 is hot according to my criteria, but I'd still have problems with his crappy attitude. So physically, ok. But come on, man. Don't be a prick.
Art-Girl: Nothing, I don't even have a spark! His a-hole attitude, I'm not interested in that. Physically, there's something that doesn't quite work. I'm going to leave him to Supergirl.
DJ Nath: I'm thinking not. I don't think I want to spend time with him; he doesn't seem very fun. And obviously hung up on his ex, so what are you gonna do, right?
Havana Nights: Not. Too arrogant, too many turtle necks, and his romance seems to be working so I wouldn't want to mess that up.
DJ Nath: I do like the green and purple though.
Art-Girl: I feel like I'd go on a date with him and he'd always be talking about his ex. "Awww, yeah, she liked sangria too."
Lip-Bomb: I'm going to say hot, until we inevitably get into a ridiculous fight and break up.
Art-Girl: "Awww, she always took that dessert too."
Shotgun: "Awww, she had inferior intelligence too."
DJ Nath: Hahaha.
Art-Girl: Hahahahaha!
Lip-Bomb: Haha!
Art-Girl: "She was just so average..."
Lip-Bomb: "...and i loved that."
Lip-Bomb: I mean, maybe he's just an a-hole because he's insecure?
Art-Girl: Maybe. But that's no excuse from my point of view. Figure your crap out and be nice.
Shotgun: Aw man! If he were condescending to me because of my intellect, I'd be so condescending to him about his lack of emotion and compassion! Two can totally play at that game!
Art-Girl: Mmmmmmmmmm... It's just too complicated.
DJ Nath: Truth.

Up next: The girls get a shot at one of the team's biggest guns.

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